French connection

In 1998, you can thank Jean Marie Le Pen for that win, France won because France needed to be unified. The same story has come back to regale us. France needed this win. Soccer brings all of France together. Riots have riven French society into dangerous silos. This win will bring all of France back together. Contrary to popular belief, it's not just talent and sport that drives sport. It's not for nothing that people say sport is one of the greatest shows on earth. It's about what sport can do for TV ratings. It's about what sport can do for society. It's not just about sport. Good for France that France won the semi-final against Portugal. Portugal got what it needed from this World Cup. And so has France. What's left now is for Italy to do for Italian soccer what Rossi did for them in 1982. Rossi came through a match-fixing scandal with flying colours, and so will this Italian team. (Much like the Indian team did, when it ended Australia's dream run in cricket and made people forget the match-fixing scandal that threatened to turn cricket into a losing business proposition.) Italy will outclass France in the final. And it won't, only, be because they're a better team. Time now, for an Italian con job. Of course, not for a minute am I suggesting it's all 'managed'. Why spoil the fun? Why look for the truth, when spin is so much more fun to go with.

How the mighty have fallen

Parreira, who won the World Cup in 1994 with a much less talented squad, admitted "something" was lacking from the team on Saturday. They played, "without a tactical plan, without moves, without standards, without attack, without colour, without heat, without zeal. Without grace, without life, without happiness, without personality, without identity," wrote Fernando Calazans. "Without the Brazilian way of playing at all."

God save the Queen

"Be careful with Rooney. I don't need him, but you do." And so, with that valedictory warning, England's first and perhaps last foreign coach ended an era, supervised by himself and Beckham, in which football and celebrity became locked in a steamy but ultimately unconsummated embrace.

Zen mastered

While Henry ran off into goalscoring glory, followed by the majority of his team-mates, the old maestro smiled to himself. Patrick Vieira, his vice captain, ran over to engulf him. The legend lives on and on.

Expert's comments

Tips for budding commentators: 1) Don't start to speak for at least five seconds after a national anthem. It might not be over. 2) Never say 'There are bound to be goals in this one', unless you've backed the goalless draw. 3) Don't ask Dutch commentators for Dutch player pronunciations. They will just cover you with saliva. 4) Always have something to say over a close-up of Franz Beckenbauer. You will definitely get one. 5) Don't mention the war.

Frank Dampard

What has happened to Frank Lampard? It has been impossible to sit down at any dinner table in any World Cup city without hazarding that question. Salt and pepper pots have been rearranged to recreate tactical manoeuvres and analyse what has gone wrong, yet still no one knows the answer for certain. What has happened to the man who was runner-up to Ronaldinho for Fifa's world footballer of the year? Why is the World Cup witnessing the West Ham United player of old rather than the Chelsea player of new? Too much beer? German prostitutes? You tell us.

Spain spins sorrows

So how does it shape up here on...

Germany v Italy (SF)
Portugal v France (SF)
Brazil v England (Third / Fourth)
Italy v France (F)
Italy wins!

Not like I really care now that Spain is out, but...

Why Brazil will not win the world cup

Because when in Europe, do as the Europeans know what to do. Germany will win. Lagi bet?

Espana!

4-0 to Spain!!! I am on cloud nine!!!
Vamos Spain!

Enough said.