Sportacuss

Punjabis fax journalists 'famous for' list

2006-10-28T22:02:00.000-07:00

BCCI considering Mckinsey

2006-10-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

After the Rev. (as in revered for his white skin) John Stern the Editor of Wisden Cricketer, likened the role of a cricket coach to that of a management consultant, The reverees of white skin, the Bored of Control for Cricket in India are wondering whether they should take their penchant for experimentation, bestowed on them by the MBE, Greg White Chappell, to the next level.

We, the respectful disrespectors of white skin are conducting a leisurely investigation into what this level is meant to be and the implications of the same. We may be back with a complete report on the same. Meanwhile, we urge you to do what the internet does best and allow it to distract you with something else of greater utility. We may suggest www.bosey.co.in. Oops, guess we just did. And now, we beg of you to please go somewhere for the time being and come back, slowly, to watch this space.

Warne claims he was misquoted

2006-10-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

In a googly-like twist to the press-player jamboree, the great twister of his own inflammatory statements on everything from v-fronts to how coaching is little more than a front for doing not much more than driving a bus (or some such misquoted thing), Shane 'the mouth' Warne has claimed he was misquoted.

Considering his farcically responsible views were not elicited on anything of any significance in the recent past, we're mystified by the once-avoirdupois spinner of tall tales' statement. We're jogging our hazy memory on the unsaid matter and will be back with more on the same. Rest assured, there's much that hasn't been said. And will, most certainly, be.

In the meantime, if you wish to try your hand at some pointless citizen journalism aimed at increasing the number of page views of this rarely read usepaper for toilet purposes, please feel free to email your reports to us at the address you, thankfully, won't find at the end of this report. Of course, this is not the end of this report. Unfortunately.

After conducting no research whatsoever, we have arrived at the possible reasons Shane Warne might claim he has been misquoted. Apparently, a lackadaisical proof-reader in our non-existent department of printing misread what Shane Warne was saying. Actually, what the misrespected gent said was that he missed being quoted.

When we contacted the press for their views on this matter, they pressed us not to pursue the story any further. They also requested us not to quote them for the fear of being quoted. Fortunately, we are not that kind of usepaper. We're a useless usepaper with nothing to do and so we persisted, with insistence, to get to the bottom of this story.

You have reached the bottom of this story. As is normal with most bottoms, this bottom stinks almost as much as the story. No wonder the story is raising such a stink. The bottomline is this: Shane Warne's mother is the one her son identified as the one behind all these inflammatory quotes being attributed to the legendary player.

Like all good reporters, we do not take the bottom for what it seems. And it is from the bowels of the bottom of this story that we've unearthed this gem of misinformation. All the sins that have so far been attributed to Shane Warne were actually being fed to him by his mother, without his knowledge. We rest this basketcase.

Incidentally, if any you miss being quoted do spare a thought for Rahul Dravid. The respected gent's quotes are always missed because people are either too bored to make a quote of them or are too busy executing other people's plans or are simply reading between the lines for a certain Greg Chappell MBE who loves being quoted.

Readers note: If you choose to quote us in round-table, square-table or below-the-table discussions of any importance, you do so at your own peril. You can be sure we will not intervene to save ourselves or you by claiming we were misquoted. We have no mother, either. So the only person who will be blamed is you.

PCB recalls whole Indian team

2006-10-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

The Strategy Committee for Dummy Purposes, henceforth referred to as SCDP, has, in an Extraordinary General Nobody Meeting held for the generation of extraordinarily ordinary ideas to improve the lot of Pakistani Cricket, decided to recall the 17 of the 15 players sent for the Champions Trophy tournament in India. Hmm.

As you may have noticed, we ended the previous paragraph with a 'hmm'. Hmm. This extraordinary note in citizen journalism was inserted because we were struck by the extraordinary nature of the request from the SCDP. (Not to mention, the profusion of commas.) As investigative journalists for ordinary citizens, we are known for our eagle-eyes and hawkish stances on such matters.

The point we're taking an extraordinary long time to get to is what exactly is the SCDP of the PCB asking for? We put our heads together in a rugby scrum and tried to re-read the faxed request in the resultant darkness so that we may, together, be able to throw some light on the enigmatic request. Hmm.

Evidently, an additional note of citizen journalism had to be inserted because we were unable to unearth any hidden codes or clues with respect to the extra players the SCDP of the PCB has asked to be recalled from the on-going tamasha tournament in India. On further thought, and after further inputs from other citizen journalists with nothing better to do, we decided what the SCDP of the PCB may be asking for is some dummy players. Hmm.

His Highness Hmm would like to add that the underlying strategy of this dummy move is to lull the other teams into a sense of complacency and rekindle the old disease of winnigness that the Pakistani Cricket Team of Dummies only seems to be hit by when their most key players are struck down by some crisis or the other.

This proactive point of extraordinary activity worthy of great managerial promotion put forward by His Highness Hmm has been duly noted and squirelled away for no further thought. Instead, we decided to contact the Captain of the Pakistani Cricket Team for his views on the request from the SCDP of the PCB.

We apologise profusely for that red herring. It has been possibly learnt that the Captain of the Pakistani Cricket Team has resigned, again and again. His mouthpiece has told us that the hardly respected Captain of the Pakistani Cricket Team is not done with his resignations. In fact, the next two replacements have also resigned in advance before thay can be appointed and dismissed, immediately.

If you're a betting man, we urge you to place your bets on Pakistan as surefire winners of this tournament. As people who are intimately aware of the workings of the SCDP, the PCB, the past, the future and everything to do with Pakistani cricket, we're very sure that these hare-brained moves will only result in the Pakistanis performing out of their skin in the matches to follow.

Incidentally, the two extra players ordered back to Pakistan by the SCDP of the PCB have been identified. They were experimental players employed by the Dummy Coach Greg Chappell MBE in the Indian Team. As usual, the experiments didn't come off. All future supplies of pasta for the Indians have been cancelled until further notice.

Don't worry, we're not about to and promise never to bring you Mandu 'Doesn't' Materazzi's or Howler Dev's views on this or any other matters. On second thoughts, we're sure Howler Dev will be back for entertainment purposes. Only. Thank God. And thank you.

PS for please script: Please note, that was a dummy headline sent to us by a dummy citizen journalist meant to attract your attention to this dummy report masterminded by the SCDP of the PCB for the dummy Pakistani Team. Hmm for dummies.

Isabgol to promote Harmison

2006-10-19T23:16:00.000-07:00

In a revolutionary twist to the whole sponsorship game that the now bismirched game of cricket is run by, a brand has taken it upon itself to promote a player. From time unmemorable, it's players that have been falling over each other to promote brands, but now there's a brand that has decided to look at the commercialisation angle differently. In an unnecessary aside, our Marketing Norrespondent, has vowed to write an anemic paper on the said matter, which we promise not to bring to you.

Due to a variety of very understandable reasons, the brand Isabgol has found it very hard to find people to sponsor it. In this day and age of celebrity everything, without a celebrity to promote this hallowed brand, the brand was in danger of disappearing. As is often the case with brands in India that are in danger of disappearing, they turn to cricket. After hunting high and low, unsuccessfully, for a spokesperson to promote them, the people from the House of Isabgol decided to take matters into their own hands and find players to promote. The first person they thought would fit their minuscule bill was Harmison Steve.

The English fast bowler, Harmison Steve has always been an enigmatic player with an interesting personality. Commercialspeak will tell you that any enigmatic player with an interesting personality is a good person to promote for public memory. In addition to his bouts of enigmata and personality disorders, Harmison also possesses a very important quality that fits into the brand image of Isabgol's target audience. Time and again, it has been noted that Harmison Steve tries too hard. And every time Harmison Steve tries too hard, he ends up with a bad day.

Pointless research will confirm the very well known fact that when individuals start their day by having to try too hard, they, almost always, end up having a bad day. For the House of Isabgol, the unique synergies of this important shattribute segued in perfectly with the desired response from the one-line brief. What this piece of crap means is utterly unclear, but the House of Isabgol urges readers not to try too hard to make sense of this. In case they feel compelled to try too hard, the House of Isabgol has the perfect solution of a tastless kind just for them.

Unveiling the plan for Harmison Steve at a press conference held in the 5-star environs of the fragrant toilet of the Taj Intercontinental, the General Manager of the House of Isabgol, E. C. Squeezie said that the key component of Isabgol's plan for Harmison Steve would be to buy up the first 5 minutes of every time Harmison Steve starts his morning spell. During this crucial period, the audience would be bombarded with targetted messages on the disastrous results of trying too hard, alongwith commodiously timed solutions for the same.

Despite our strenuous opposition to any outside interference, our Marketing Norrespondent insists on adding that the anti-tactic of promoting a player and not having a player promote a brand is sure to garner the brand exponential returns. We think he is trying too hard and urge him to, instead, try Isabgol. We do not think the House of Isabgol will try him because he isn't much of a cricket player. Had been even half a cricket player of any kind, we're sure many a brand would have tried him. Unfortunately, the gent is so bad at cricket, all he is left with is trying very hard to make his presence felt in any way possible in the world of cricket. Like in this serious report.

As any good journalistic report must do, we shall give you a quick backgrounder on the House of Isabgol. On second thoughts, and in keeping with the spirit of the report, we shall not try too hard to make our point. In this day and age of the Internet, we do not believe a newspaper needs to report everything. In fact, we're convinced a newspaper doesn't have to say anything at all. In passing through the motions of this report, we tried contacting the Harmison Steve for his views on the matter. Unfortunately, the said gent was incommunicado. Inside sources tell us he was comfortably ensconsed on the throne and not trying hard. Bless the House of Isabgol and their revolutionary ways.

In the days to come we shall bring you more on the other players the House of Isabgol are thinking of promoting. In case you have any ideas on the matter, we urge you to contact our Marketing Norrespondent. We assure you that the said gent will try very, very hard to respond to all your queries.

Kapil urges MBE to try Dhoni

2006-10-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

After reading Dhoni's candid interview with Anand Vasu, in which he, very modestly, claims he is one of the team's best sloggers, Kapil decided to renew his call for Dhoni to be appointed as Captain of the Indian team. In a blank call to Greg Chappell MBE, Kapil had nothing more to say on the matter.

We contacted Kapil for a candid telephonic conversation and the great howler duly obliged. While taking swings at everyone from the deep bunkers he had shot himself into, Kapil pulled no punches on why he believes Dhoni is the perfect man to lead India. Following are excerpts of the nonversation. We have deleted all the questions we asked the great howler for fear of being ridiculed. For entertainment purposes, only, Kapil's responses, are all there in their unedited form. Over to the great howler.

Kapil: I've always believed in the value of hard work. The only thing that get's you far in life is hard work. Intelligence is a highly over-rated quality. When I see Dhoni, I see myself. I fail to see why Greg Chappell MBE does not see me or, for that matter, what I see. It's very unfair on the MBE's part to not try some of the experiments I am proposing. After all the pasta he has fed our boys, the least he can do is experiment with a diet of Dhoni.

Sehwag's mother was telling me the other day how Sehwag had suggested she go down the order of importance and let his wife open the innings. In my days as a cricketer, I never dared to play with my mother's position. Any suggestion that I experiment with her in different positions would have made me shed tears larger than a crocadile on television. If Dhoni is made the Captain of the Indian team, he will unify all the players under their mothers and bring back the sense of security this team has lost under MBE.

While Kapil was yammering on about Dhoni, we sneaked away, unnoticed, to ask Rahul Dravid, the current Indian Captain, for his views on the renewed call from the great howler. As is his wont, Rahul refused to take any risks on a sticky wicket. Every delivery we sent down his corridoor of uncertainty was left with a raised bat of quiet certainty. After being faced with 30 minutes of stonewalling, we decided to get back to Kapil to check on how he was doing with our dictaphone.

When we returned to the bunker we'd left Kapil with our dictaphone in, we fouund our dictaphone rolling in the aisles and Kapil nowehere to be seen. After a few momments of grappling with the hysterical dictaphone, we managed to get it to play back what had transpired. We'll leave you with what we think sums up exactly why it's high time, we think, the arrogant MBE must pay attention to Kapil.

Kapil: I urge the government of India to intervene in this serious matter. The security of the country is being sabotaged by this foreign hand. When players in the Indian cricket team feel insecure about their places, the national psyche is seriously damaged. I'm not quite sure what that means, but I read it in an analysis of the state of Indian cricket by Boring Majumdar, Rhodes scholar and research fellow at Latrobe University in Melbourne.

All I'm trying to say is this obsession with experiments can have very serious consequences if it is not reciprocated by the other side. I find this one-way relationship of such inconvenient experimentation very heart-breaking. I think it's high time I cry. Maybe then people will take what I'm saying seriously. And so saying, I am crying... By which time, our trusty dictaphone had well and truly lost it and made its way to roll upropriously in the aisles of insanity.

When we met Boring Majumdar for his take on the great howler's take from him, Boring started to take out some very dense files from under his arm and looked like he was about to launch into a speech on the tiffcussion between Kapil and Experiment Nation. We left our dictaphone to suffer the insufferable bore and skipped off for an evening of Sheila-hunting in one of the many cafes that dot the lovely city of Melbourne.

Sourav Ganguly tries Pepsi

2006-10-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

After the continuing wave of outsourcing which refuses to see any after, another wave seems to have hit India: The Trying Wave. In keeping with the spirit of the times, this report is dedicated to a truly trying gent who has decided to try yet another thing to try and make a comeback to the team that found him too trying to have in their midst. We're, of course, trying very hard to speak of the erstwhile skipper of the Indian cricket team without mentioning him. (Although we're not quite sure what purpose that serves after having mentioned him in the headline of this trying report.)

For those of you who believe in the very con current 'out of sight out of mind principle' and are trying very, very hard to figure out who the said gent might be? We are unspeakably speaking of the man who was once the impossibly trichotomous Dada, Maharajah and Prince of Indian cricket, Sourav 'Bunguly'. Confirmed reports say, he is now known as the man who lost his shirt and is as relevant as a Dadaji in an upwardly mobile Indian nuclear family.

After trying to make a return to the Indian team that was formerly known as his, as a bowler, an all-rounder, a stubborn gounder and an opening flounder, Sourav is now trying to make a comeback into our quickly closed minds as a smarmy reminder of the days gone bye-bye in an ad for Pepsi; yes, the same Pepsi that tom-toms itself as the blue in the Indian cricket team till it makes everyone go blue in the face with disgust. And pepsicides.

In an ad that is sure to make Greg Chappell MBE try very hard not to laugh, the old Sourav tries to forget how old he is and say a host of sentimental things that he hopes will appeal to the oldest trick in the book used to appeal to Indian audiences: Sentimentality. Unfortunately, Sourav seems to have forgotten that the only ruse to get back into the Indian team - sucking up to the people in power - is no longer within his reach, no matter how hard he tries.

The smart set among us knows what the unethical 'blue' multinational is trying. After trying to make Indians forget all the crap they have been making us swallow in their drinks by throwing in an Indian CEO, they're now trying to throw an Ex-CEO into their mix of pepsicide, exploitation and sugar. All we can say in response to such tried and tested moves is what the great Poet Tryku Srinivasan liked to say when faced with anything, "Try not me. Fed up we. Of your trying."

For the sake of making this report more entertaining, only, we located Kapil Dev for his views on the above matter. Predictably enough, the great howler was more than willing to try his hand at solving yet another person's problems. As usual, not much more need be said after what Kapil says. He said, "Sourav, forget Pepsi. Forget Coke. Whatever you do, don't try pasta. Try Rasagulla. It's sure to leave a sweet taste in your mouth. Unlike Pepsi."

Materazzi urges Kapil to try pasta

2006-10-16T00:12:00.000-07:00

In a move designed to bring the two different sports loving nations even closer together, the Mandu from Italy, Marco Materazzi has put forward some revolutionary proposals for Kapil Dev. Materazzi, who doesn't know a thing about cricket and is not interested in knowing anything more, has taken it upon himself to introduce Kapil to the joys of pasta.

The Mandu from Italy firmly believes the great bowler of yesteryears from India, and current joker in the media, is not being fair to pasta by refusing to experiment with it. When asked to elaborate further he said, "I haven't a clue who the Kapil Dev is, but I certainly the know a thing or two about the pasta. Pasta doesn't deserve the ignorance that the Kapil Dev is giving it. He could so easily have the declined to try the food from the Russia or the Poland or the Romania. Saying no to the pasta reveals a lack of the reciprocal understanding of international relations. I did not the call the Kapil, the mother of the Kapil and the sister of the Kapil any names. By refusing to try my the pasta, the Kapil is hurting me more than the Zidane could ever have." he whined. He added after we left that which we cannot bring you because we had left for the Kapil's reciprocal views on the international incident.

In case some of you are wondering what the global food fight is all about, here's the low down. Kapil, when queried for yet another howler on the state of Indian cricket said, "If someone tells me that pasta is good for me, I may not agree." After a great deal of strenuous analysis, we believe this might have been Kapil's way of taking a dig at Greg Chappell, MBE, and his experiments with the Indian cricket team, which Kapil believes are too foreign for Indians. While Greg Chappell, MBE, and every other sensible person has, predictably, ignored this donkey drop from the great howler, the emotional Mandu from Italy, obviously couldn't.

Meanwhile, the Mandu from Italy hasn't stopped talking from the time he heard of this international slight from a gent he knows nothing about. After a few months we decided to get back to Mandu and see if he had finished talking and ask for his closing arguments on the matter. He hadn't. From the time we left off, he was continuing and here's where we found him, "I have tried the butter chicken. I have tried the curry. I have tried the chappatti. I have tried the red Indian. I have tried the Su Sri. I have tried the Indian women. I have tried..." While he continued in this vein, we tried to be discreet about it and made a quick getaway. We now understand why Zizou headbutted the screeching, irritating gent.

On the discreet flight back from Milan to India, we chanced upon Rahul Dravid hidden behind his backfoot and under a book witten in Australese. We sidled up to him and asked him what he had to say about Kapil Dev's views on Indian cricket. He looked at us, dug into his bag, fished out a picture of Greg Chappell, MBE, and defensively suggested we discuss it over a beer after the day's play and with Greg Chappell, MBE, looking on watchfully. Perhaps this was Rahul's way of experimenting with being an Aussie.

While grabbing some dinner on the way back from the airport, we espied Kapil in the same resto. He was struggling with some Pasta Arabiatta. He saw us looking at him smilingly and beckoned us over to his table. Before we could ask him anything, he told us, "This pasta is difficult, but good. Any foreign food is difficult, but good. Any foreign experiment is good, but only as long as it's like Indian Chinese." We were stunned by this wise, appetising bon-mot from the great man and were so sated by it that we thought it better than to wait for the main course.

After we recover from the extreme indigestion all this travelling and international eating has caused us, we shall bring you more reactions on the same. Until then, please stick to Indian Chinese. And away from the Mandu from the Italy.

Bond plays. Fleming dies of shock

2006-10-15T23:27:00.000-07:00

People in New Zealand woke up to the shocking news that their beloved cricket Captain, Stephen Fleming had died of shock. The story goes that when Bond declared himself fit for one match and, actually, played for a major part of the match, Fleming couldn't handle it. Eye witnesses tell us that Fleming suddenly collapsed in a laughing fit so violent and so prolonged that it took its toll on his heart.

For those of you coming in late, Shane Bond is an injury prone speedster who has been flattering to decieve from the time he made his debut. Every time he was selected, he'd end up with an injury that had to be taken care of to prolong his career. His injuries were so frequent that he was being continuously rested so that he could play when fully fit and have a long career serving New Zealand cricket. Unfortunately, the only career he ended up having, so far, was a very long one on the sidelines. Until this happened.

One fine sunny day in a match against South Africa, Bond's name was sighted as being pencilled into the playing eleven. Fleming, having seen this before, was unperturbed. The same, fine sunny day, Bond was seen with the new ball in his hand and at the top of his bowling mark. Fleming, having seen this, too, before, continued to remained calm and quite unaffected by this inconsistent consistent sighting. A few overs later, Bond was still bowling. A quick Madras-cut of the camera to Fleming's handsome visage revealed a man a man with a furrowed brow and looking increasingly stressed out. A few more over later, Bond was simply refusing to breakdown. That's when Fleming couldn't take it anymore and died.

When queried as to the reasons for his untimely death from shock, this is what Fleming had to say, "My system just couldn't handle the extreme expectations of breakdown it was being put through every additional ball Bond ended up bowling. I kept expecting Bond to breakdown and collapse. When the inevitable collapse didn't come, I collapsed. When your system is used to a regular diet of expected breakdowns and unexpected replacements, a sudden infusion of the real thing can be very, very dangerous and very, very fatal. As you may have noticed, that's exactly what happened."

The same unreliable sources didn't tell us how they got this thoughtful piece of process-mapping from a man who was dead. Our own investigations into the matter reveal that the same supernatural forces which kept Shane Bond going, despite all previous evidence disproving the possibility of any such thing happening, might have something to do with receiving messages from a dead Fleming, despite all the previous evidence disproving the possibility of any such thing happening.

In other more predictable news, Shane Bond has declared himself unfit for the next match. Any comments from Fleming on the same matter will be brought to you as soon as we get them in much shorter and more intelligible sentences than those resorted to in the previous paragraph.

And now, we request all of you to observe two minutes of silence for a man who died so suddenly for little more than a false alarm. Despite all previous evidence disproving the possibility of any such thing happening, we urge you to keep your fingers crossed, not hold your breath and fervently pray for the return of the phlegmatic Fleming. And a fit Bond.

Indian team threatens to turn 21 in one day

2006-10-15T22:10:00.000-07:00

In a strange case of the phenomenon so far not known as 'Group Birthday Blues' (GBB), the whole Indian cricket team threatened to slump into 21 year old habits in 30 agonising minutes. (Unproven medical evidence says it might have something to do with the newly-morphed MBE 21 virus.)

In a match against England in the Champions Trophy, set a paltry target of 125 to get in 50 very long overs, a seemingly mature team of seasoned warriors ended up playing infantile shot after infantile shot and struggled their way to a win in 50 very, very, very long overs.

For a while it looked like the whole Indian team was about to be hit by the infamous MBE Chappell 21 virus. Fortunately, they stopped short of regressing that far down and ended up regaining their senses and maturity somewhere closer to 23. We shall wait and watch how far the descent continues.

England, on the other hand, conclusively proved that when it comes to the one-day game, they continue to be babes in the wood susceptible to all kinds of mysterious ailments. Descending desperately into the depths of sickly non-performance, they seemed to intent on a trip to the land Down Under.

When the Indian Captain Rahul Dravid was asked for a comment, he replied, "Thank God, England were hit by the inverse of the MBE 21 today and ended up playing like 12 year olds. Every once in while the process of playing must factor in the process of turning 21." And so saying he clutched his backseat driver and went back into 1st gear.

The player formerly struck by the MBE 21 virus, Irfan Pathan, was seen celebrating his 22nd birthday and hoping his next birthday will not be his 21st. Meanwhile, Munaf Patel, 23, was stocking up on pills to counter any onset of MBE 21.

Pathan no longer 21

2006-10-15T04:52:00.000-07:00

Pathan is back. Is he? Does this mean he has crossed the curse of 21? We'll be keeping a close eye on his growth from here on. We'll also be praying and hoping nobody else in the Indian team is about to turn 21. Will Sachin turn 21 during the Champions Trophy? How about Dravid? He does seem close to turning 21. Will Dravid turn 21 when Greg Chappell, MBE, turns 21? When will Greg Chappell, MBE, turn 21? Thanks to Greg Chappell, MBE, never turning 21, the whole Indian team seems to be taking turns turning 21. Meanwhile, we'd like to, cautiously, welcome Irfan Pathan to the ranks of the un21.

Flintoff is on

2006-10-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

Warne, Ponting, my dead mother, my dead mother's ghost, my dead mother's non-existent ghost, my neighbour's dog, the Wags, the Beggars Union of India, the Dons of Bollywood, Hollywood and Sicily, The Don of australia, Gilly, Haydey, Hussey, every other Aussie who can be nicknamed with the inevitable 'ey', Mushy, who Mushy, doesn't matter who Mushy, the Pakistani Captain, the Pakistani Captain after the Pakistani Captain, the Pakistani Captain who doesn't want to be the Pakistani Captain, the Pakistani Captain who doesn't want to be the Pakistani Captain and wants to be the Pakistani Captain, the Pakistani Captain who wants the Pakistani Captain who is not the Pakistani Captain to be the Pakistani Captain, the Assistant to the Pakistani Captain, The driver of the Pakistani Captain, everyone else who calls the shots for the Pakistani Captain, the puppet Captain, the Pakistani Captain's Pakistani puppet, John Buchanan, people who do not approve of Buchanan, people who approve of Buchanan, a whole lot of people who still haven't been asked, but will most certainly be and all the people I have forgotten to mention before asking approve of Flintoff as Captain of England. The only people who aren't so sure are the English selectors. And, of course, Vaughan, who still harbours hopes of making a comeback for the Ashes Down Under as Captain. The question that remains to be asked is how fit is Flintoff to lead England?

What about us?

2006-09-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

"We don't stand a chance. Thai players are too short and they can't shoot." The fact that his nation's footballers are all like Mickey Owen does little to cheer up Bangkok bank worker Samkan Chartprasert, who sums up the national sentiment after the Thai government launched a public appeal asking fans what they could do to ensure qualification for the 2010 World Cup. Should we, in India, be shameless enough, foolish enough and moronic enough to, even, ask the question? Or is it a dream we harbour only because a lot of people can make a lot of money trying to make the dream happen?

Crossing the boundaries of credulity

2006-09-01T04:56:00.000-07:00

So now Kevin Pietersen has written a book? Does it take so little time in international cricket to come out with a book? Whatever happened to spending some time being an international sportsman, doing a few things over a sustained period of time, learning a few things about the ups and downs of a career and then writing a book? Guess in a time of instant everything, it doesn't take much to come up with a book. If Andrew Flintoff can, if Wayne Rooney can, why can't Pietersen? After all, money talks. And writes. We're pretty sure Crossing The Boundary will not have a fraction of the shelf life Beyond a Boundary has. And why should it? It's not meant to.

Fever pitch

2006-09-01T04:11:00.000-07:00

What is this obsession with trotting out with nauseating regularity that Bradman thought the batsman who came closest to his style of play was Sachin Tendulkar? Is it really such an important achievement? Haven't we had enough of that line of thinking? Will we never stop writing articles about Sachin Tendulkar without that idiotic piece of dumparrotison? If you think of it, minus the thoughtless repeating of it, it really doesn't mean much. The last person we expected to read it from was Mukul Kesavan. And that really got our goat. To think, even a fine fine writer like Mukul Kesevan has to stoop to such parrotisms. Are cricket writers so short of things to say on Sachin that they have to keep saying the 'right' things? Just ask us.

High Fiver

2006-08-31T20:40:00.000-07:00

This is good sports writing. If you enjoy sports writing, forget what you normally enjoy. Subscribe to The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football. Check this out. And head down for more. Warning: Your sides may hurt on a daily basis. (From laughing, sillies!) Note, good sports writing, and very good writing: 'Internazionale are so determined to land follicly challenged Brazilian pie-eater Ronaldo that they are offering sparsely-coiffured Brazilian pie-eater Adriano in exchange - plus a fat purse stuffed with cash.' No, we, the verbally unchallenged, do not write for The Fiver. Unfortunately.

Wild swing from Saad Shafqat

2006-08-31T06:33:00.000-07:00

Now they're calling it 'super swing'. First it was just swing. then, it became 'reverse swing'. Now some writers, with nothing better to write about, are calling it 'super swing'. Next thing you know someone like Rashid Latif will take an even wilder swing at labelling it and end up calling it something even fancier like 'fancy swinging'. Is the sports press so hard up for stories? Just ask.

Pitch perfect

2006-08-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

We're in advertising and we're porud of this piece of pitching for The Guardian's sorta new sports. We couldn't have written it better. Maybe. "For the best comment and the liveliest debate, try our all-singing, all-dancing sport blog (warning: may not actually sing and dance)."

Balls to Umpires

2006-08-27T02:53:00.000-07:00

Did Australia and England say this or did Australia and England say this? I guess they didn't say this, but did they mean that if the Asian countries don't want our Umpires, we don't want their Umpires. If Pakistan has a problem with Hair, we have a problem with Pakistan's Dar. If Pakistan doesn't think Hair is good enough, we don't think anybody else is good enough. Who says racism is dead? In fact, the worst kind of racism practiced is the kind of racism practiced when it isn't being practiced. Much like the worst kind of fixing taking place taking place when there is no fixing taking place. Supposedly.

Dirty Harry

2006-08-25T02:05:00.000-07:00

Harry Pearson on Billy Doctrove and the state of cricket nowadays, saying what we've been trying to say: The 51-year-old could learn something from Dickie Bird. Following Sunday's controversy the Birdman voiced the opinion that the game should have carried on because people had paid money to watch it. This drew a huge cheer at Conservative HQ, where it has long been the belief that the outcome of Test matches should be determined not by the "nanny state" of the ICC but by market forces. If the customer wants to watch Kevin Pietersen score 4,000 runs then why on earth should red tape in the form of the so-called "laws of the game" prevent it by sending him back to pavilion lbw for 37? All we'd like to add here: Unmissable. http://sport.guardian.co.uk/columnists/

Hair today. There tomorrow.

2006-08-24T05:56:00.000-07:00

A great piece by Marina Hyde on the way forward for Hair, in case he doesn't get another chance to officiate another Test match. One of the more hilarious writers in sport at her hilarious best. Goose down to The Gaurdian's sports pages and check out why she thinks Hair has no need to lose sleep over his current predicament. Rare to see a soccer writer write with such felicity on cricket. (Apart from us, of course, who can write with equal audacity on all matters sport.)

Whingeing Poms

2006-08-22T03:48:00.000-07:00

Trust the Poms to do something slimy like trying to stir up trouble behind somebody's back. They did it when they were colonials, they haven't stopped doing it even now. And here we thought, Darrell Hair had started the whole thing about the ball being tampered with, unprovoked. Now we know Duncan Fletcher and Marcus Trescothicks binoculars were what got the whole thing started. Tut, tut you English are such sore losers. It's not enough for you to win the series, you just can't stomach losing to the fucking Pakis, can you? No wonder you hated Sourav Ganguly. We wait for the day India and Pakistan will be smart enough to send a unified team to Old Blighty. And it might even make commercial sense. (In fact, we're sure it will.) Hopefully, that should get the Boards' thoughts going. Imagine what fun it will be to watch whingeing Poms take on a unified Indo-Pak team. Imagine. Only.

Everybody loves Raymond

2006-08-21T21:19:00.000-07:00

And nobody loves us. Because when we say this, people dismiss it as poppycock. We're also kept out of the one form of journalism we so thoroughly enjoy. So we'll let someone with a little more authority, a lot more style and a bigger share of voice say it. Over the past few years, sports broadcasting, from athletics to football, has become less journalistically driven and increasingly populated by former sports stars. Framed by entertainment rather than journalistic values and with too many vested interests involved, football coverage on television tends now to be driven by soft opinion rather than hard analysis. Television often appears to see its role as promoting sport, rather than reporting, investigating and analysing. The BBC was particularly guilty of this in its coverage from Germany, where ex-players in particular were singularly unable - or unwilling - to cut through the media-generated hyperbole surrounding the England team and examine the realities of a limited and under-performing team. Shamelessly Extracted without permission from Raymond Boyle's take in The Guardian on the world of commercial sport. Note: Raymond Boyle is a professor at the Media Research Institute at Stirling University and the author of Sports Journalism: Context and Issues

Balls to steroids

2006-08-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

If you think the short-term benefits of steroid use outweigh any long-term fuck-ups they might cause, you're probably right. But if you're the sensible sort and are foolish enough to think living a long, less than utterly indulgent life is the way to go, you might want to consider this: If you were looking for a single phrase guaranteed to deter men from taking anabolic steroids "testicles the size of peanuts" would appear to fit the bill. This significant shrinkage was suffered by the body builder Steve Michalik after prolonged misuse of these drugs. Steve found himself in early middle age, having already suffered a heart attack and a stroke, with "the testosterone level of a 12-year-old girl" alongside the Lilliputian reproductive equipment; and whereas miniaturisation on this scale in, say, a chocolate bar might be called fun size Steve was clearly finding his low testosterone/shrunken gonad combo anything but fun. That's an extract from Martin Kelner's story in The Guardian on steroid use among body builders. You decide. Chicks, money and fame when you're young or good-sized balls and rock and roll when you're old.

Is it time to legalise ball-tampering, also?

2006-08-20T20:43:00.000-07:00

When things like match-fixing and pitch-doctoring have been legalised, why not give the official sanction to ball-tampering too? What's the worst that can happen? Ah yes, it'll no longer be a batsman's game. And when it's no longer a batsman's game, the crowds won't get their quota of sixes and fours. Sides will be dismissed for lower scores. Matches will no longer be run-fests. Sponsors will start complaining. And the money will go out of cricket. Now we get it. It's okay to doctor certain things in cricket for commercial reasons, but other things will not be allowed. For commercial reasons. Sorry bowlers. The game will continued to be loaded against you, unless you find a way to make the administrators more money.

The problem with Hashim Amla

2006-08-20T01:58:00.000-07:00

When people ask when people will start talking about Hashim's Amla's batting, we have only one thing to say, when he starts batting. So far, he hasn't done much for people to start talking about his batting, which is why they talk about things that have nothing to do with his batting. Makes us wonder, was Hashim Amla chosen for his batting?

Wright or wrong?

2006-08-19T23:10:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it betray a lack of faith in the then coach if the then coach has to indulge in 'guesswork' regarding the dubious declaration of that Indian innings in the Multan Test with Sachin on 194? Why would a non-controversial man like John Wright stoop to indulging in 'guesswork' on such an important team issue? What does it say about the role, or the lack of it, John Wright played as a Coach? And what does it say about Rahul, one of the men who was instrumental in asking for John Wright to be Coach of India? Somebody is lying. And we sure hope it's not the current Captain of India. Of course in the absence of any more information, we can always blame the press for creating, and craving, a controversy.

Quoterie # 35

2006-08-18T22:00:00.000-07:00

His other pressing ambition is to score more. He takes me through that one goal in all his professional career - for Fulham against Watford. "I ran and found myself through and hit the ball into the far corner. The sad thing was I didn't even know how to celebrate. I just ran off." Moritz Volz in a funny mood and in a conversation with that other joker, Simon Hattenstone.

Why England are getting tonked in the last test match

2006-08-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

Many reasons, some of which we shall proceed to state here. If England don't get tonked, people will have little to criticise and chasten them about before the Ashes. England are getting tonked because the English fans are already thinking about the Ashes. England are getting tonked because Pakistan need to be sent back home safely. England are getting tonked because Australia always got tonked in the last match of dead rubbers. England are getting tonked because the ICC's agenda is to make sure everybody gets a piece of the action. England are getting tonked because this series was meant to be this way. England are getting tonked so that we may shout from the rooftops that every cricket match, every sport is fixed, not that anyone cares for what we say. After all, what's the fun in knowing it's all fixed when it's so much more fun to think there's a stirring contest taking place and Pakistan are making an incredible comeback. It's so easy to imagine nothing is fixed and that England just got complacent. England are getting tonked because...oh, never mind, we're tired of ranting. It's great to see Asif back in action. It's been a while since we've seen someone with such a lovely bowling action. Enjoy the action.

The business of scheduling cricket matches during the monsoon season

2006-08-16T19:54:00.000-07:00

We see cricket matches repeatedly being scheduled during the monsoon season. We keep lamenting the fact that cricket matches are scheduled during the monsoon season. We wonder why cricket matches are scheduled during the monsoon season? Who benefits the most from scheduling cricket matches during the monsoon season? Do the advertisers get their money back? Do the spectators get their money back? If not, we know exactly why cricket matches are scheduled during the monsoon season. Play on.

How to get a paid holiday in the Caribbean

2006-08-16T19:47:00.000-07:00

Never mind that Sven-Goran Eriksson, Glenn Hoddle, Jose Pekerman and EhJohnehBarnes are all sniffing around the Jamaica manager's job and the accompanying £3m-a-year stipend, what they're really looking for is we know what. You don't? Well, we do.

Quoterie # 34

2006-08-16T19:46:00.000-07:00

"We obviously have three very hard teams against us this time, but that may help us because it is the so-called weaker nations we have struggled against in the past" - Never mind France, Italy and Ukraine, it's the Faroe Islands, Lithuania and Georgia that James McFadden expects to stand between Scotland and qualification for Euro 2008

200 not out

2006-08-16T19:38:00.000-07:00

Announcing the quickest 200 ever scored in the history of sport. A sport that few people care for and even fewer watch. For those of you with little better to do than waste your time on this mother of all sports blogs, we thought it might be of interest to you to know that while we might have had grander visions and dreams of becoming a cricketer and making many double hundreds, all we've managed is 200 reasonably interesting posts on the wild world of sport. Thanks for watching. The story continues, for nobody in particular. Boy, we must love sport. Or maybe we're just plain desperate to prove to the people who've repeatedly rejected us that we do know a bit about sport. A bit.

Frankly Keating

2006-08-16T02:13:00.000-07:00

As a teenager, Milkha had lost his entire family in the horrors of partition but now, home a hero in Kashmir and to encourage Indian athletes, he offered the equivalent in rupees of £3,000 to anyone who could break his Olympic time of 45.73 secs. All of 38 years later, in 1998, a Sikh policeman Paramjeet Singh claimed to have beaten it by 0.03 of a second at a local meet. Sensing a timekeepers' plot, old Milkha flatly refused to pay up. Well, sporting Sikhs are sticklers for accuracy and shrewd with it. Two qualities which make for priceless spin bowlers.

Women are tops

2006-08-16T01:41:00.000-07:00

We need more women in sport. They may not play as hard as the men do. They certainly cannot be expected to be as good as the men are. But they most certainly belong in sport. More women in sport will attract more women to sport, and men. More women in sport will also mean fewer women who complain about their men putting sport before women. We say put more women before sport. It'll give something the men something else to look at, when the sport gets too boring. Apart from all that, more women in sport means more people for advertisers to target and more people for the advertisers to target means more money for the people in sport. All of which, adds up to about 75 very good reasons why there should be more women in sport. I mean, how much fun can it be to watch tennis without, for instance, Maria Sharapova? Case closed. Field open.

Quoterie # 33

2006-08-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

"When the fans at Alan Shearer's testimonial started waving the scarves, it was one of those moments that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. It was the talk of football and even now, people still bring it up in conversation. I hope scarf-waving will become a tradition" - Fat Freddy Shepherd intends to give every fan at St James' Park on Saturday a free club scarf, and ignore decades of Italian terrace culture while he's at it.

Hats off to The Fiver

2006-08-15T19:50:00.000-07:00

They just won't stop taking the pants off everything they think is wrong with English soccer. Like how they just won't stop referring to the new England coach Steve McClaren as 'Second-Choice Steve McClaren'. Snigger, snigger, wicked, wicked, deliciously wicked The Fiver, how we love you. We also envy you. We used to be like that, you know. Sarcastic, cynical and cutting with our views on the overpaid stars of the sporting world, until we got shut down. More power to you guys. And no power to us.

Why we should be a sports commentator

2006-08-14T09:19:00.000-07:00

"Obnoxiously loud, relentlessly miserable, overly opinionated, harshly critical, unnecessarily aggressive, cynical and boorish. Also rarely describes what is going on. What's not to love?" And that's Alan Green, one of the top contenders to replace John Motson that The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football is talking about. Take that, you...you...you...never mind. It's still not likely to get us the fucking job. Fine, at least give us the bloody writer's job.

Headline dead line # 43

2006-08-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

The accused: Sportstar
The subject: Mahela Jayawardene
The dead line: "The way I planned my innings was sensational!"
The verdict: When will The Sportstar make life fun for it's Sub-Editors? Sub-Editors don't get a chance to write. They sit on their desks and yawn their way through reams of other people's copy. And then, they get Editors who won't let them have a little fun writing a headline. Nope. Just take a quote from the story and bung it in as the headline. What fun! Imagine, this is the fate of a story about one of the greatest innings ever played in cricket. Sigh.

Simon Barnes, the copywriter

2006-08-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

The product: Monty Panesar
The plug: Hero worship
The ad, http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,426-2307795,00.html
The copy test: "And he has done so without gimmicks, without schmoozing the media, without seeking attention, without playing the character. He has given us talent, nerve, decency, modesty, quiet confidence, a diffident charm, an ability to cope with adversity, a desire to improve, a taste for hard work, a loyalty to the values of his upbringing, a relish for the cut and thrust of his sport, a delight in the privilege of playing at the highest level, a willingness and an ability to learn, handsome looks and a classic, stately bowling action that is almost as beautiful as his beard." The verdict: Sold

Absolutely bitchy Andrew Miller

2006-08-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Absolutely fabulous, darling If there are endorsements up for grabs then Kevin Pietersen won't be far from the action. Sure enough, he was back on the prowl in Knightsbridge this week, as he and his popstar fiancée, Jessica Taylor, continued their one-couple mission to become cricket's equivalent of Wayne and Coleen. For the record, Kev and Jess spent the day at that most WAG-tastic of destinations, Harvey Nichols, "indulging in the latest fashion and beauty 'must haves' before retiring to the exclusive Fifth Floor for a well-deserved cocktail," simpered one of the more spurious press releases of the year. But how, pray, did they get there? "It couldn't be simpler," added the mystery wordsmith. "Flag down one of a complementary fleet of Volkswagen Eos, climb aboard and state 'take me to Harvey Nichols!'" Never mind Posh and Becks. It's all a bit Patsy and Edina, if you ask me. (With abolutely no love from Cricinfo.com)

Miss Monty

2006-08-12T20:59:00.000-07:00

"Maybe that's why the hirsute Monty Panesar didn't make the Champions Trophy cut - he's not exactly a natural-born aftershave salesman." Andrew Miller of Cricinfo.com at his witty best on why Boss may have given Monty the miss when it came to modelling their products, but not some of the more suave members of the English cricket team.

Just not cricket from Will Luke on 20/20 cricket

2006-08-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

During its inception, the cricket almost felt like a bit-part to the day's attractions, all that has since changed. Indeed, after the Sugar Babes had strut their stuff in the dying light and shaken their booty - or whatever inappropriate phrase you wish to use - the PA boomed across the outfield. "Well, I hope you enjoyed that," he proffered, in his best Pathe News voice. "The news is that Leicestershire have won the toss and will bat."

Sport bubble # 20/20

2006-08-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

When 20/20 comes of age, will it become 40/40? Will 50/50 be the father of one-day cricket? And will test match cricket become like old father time. Something the relics yearn for? Much like how we need grandparents not for their ability to contribute economically but to remind us of a time gone by nostalgically.

Goodboy Beckham

2006-08-11T22:21:00.000-07:00

No matter what you say about David Beckam, the one thing you cannot question is his grace. Beckam may not have been a great player. He may not have had the breathtaking skills that other great footballers who spring to mind have He may have been little more than a one-trick pony. He may not have been a very inspiring leader. He may not have been a towering personality. But he definitely was the gentleman of world soccer. In many ways, to us, he was like the English Zidane.

Quoterie # 32

2006-08-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

"The players are excited to be associated ... with such an iconic brand in the world of male grooming." England's captain, Andrew Strauss, gets unfeasibly excited at the prospect of free aftershave for life, as the ECB signs a sponsorship deal with Hugo Boss

Oh, have they?

2006-08-10T23:00:00.000-07:00

Mr. Buchanan, the Coach of the Australian cricket team thinks the English cricket team has improved considerably. I see. Do the media have nothing better to talk about? Is every obvious statement meant to be reported? Are they so starved for stories? Next Cricinfo.com will say Monty Panesar is a welcome addition to the England attack.

What may we ask is enough penalty?

2006-08-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

Allan Border says it's time to forgive Dean Jones for his prejudiced comment on Hashim Amla. He says Deano has paid enough for his crimes. As usual, he justifies this by saying that the Australians have a 'certain way' of doing and saying things. These Australians make me sick. A beer at the end of the day justifies all the filth they spew out on the cricket field during the course of play. And the 'Australian way' justifies anything that the Australians say during the course of life. I guess that's what happens when you come from a land that's so isolated from the real world and a bit too rich for its own good. Get real, Mr. Border. Dean Jones can come back, but you cannot pass off the comment as something that's part and parcel of the 'Australian way'. That's like other people being forgiven for saying Australians are racists. For instance, you wouldn't react as kindly if Sunny Gavaskar were to label an Australian cricketer as 'racist'. Or would you pass that off too as just a reflection of the 'Australian way' of thinking?

The things we believe...

2006-08-10T21:14:00.000-07:00

We believe 150-pound Floyd Landis was on the juice but 260-pound NFL players with 33-inch waists who can bench-press 350 pounds and run 4.5 40s are completely clean. We believe we can have six-pack abs with a 12-minute workout just three days a week. We believe all women basketball players and golfers are lesbians but that no male baseball, football, hockey or basketball players are gay. We believe the speed gun that measures bowling speeds. We believe pitch reports. We believe 5.9 billion people watched the World Cup even though the world population is 6.6 billion. We believe there is no match-fixing in world cricket.

Delicious Down Under

2006-08-10T01:55:00.000-07:00

What with the top two teams in world cricket competing in what is perhaps the best neck of the woods to play cricket in, the Ashes Redux promises to be the event in world cricket to look forward to. Harmison v/s Mcgrath. Panesar v/s Warne. Strauss v/s Langer. The list of confrontations for the hypemeisters to plug seems never-ending. We can't wait for it to happen. Unfortunately, we must. Like all good things, this, too, shall be come to those who wait. Meanwhile, let's drink to that and wish Dean Jones a speedy recovery.

Poor Monty

2006-08-10T01:48:00.000-07:00

The amount of hyping that's being done about him, the fall is going to be great and painful. Here's hoping he manages to snare a few advertising contracts before he's cast aside like yesterday's curry. Just imagine, he's got to live up to this from Ian Botham: "Watch this space, Australia - England have unearthed a spin jewel of their own."

Headline dead line # 25

2006-08-09T07:51:00.000-07:00

The offender: Cricinfo.com
The subject: Ian Bell
The dead line: The Bell that keep ringing
The pun: Appalling
Comment: If Andrew Miller has come up with that headline, he deserves to be shot for it. Put simply, a writer of his calibre shouldn't have to resort to such a terribell pun, like the one I just stooped to. And if it's not Andrew's doing, he should shoot the Sub-Editor, Editor or whoever came up with that monstrosity. Enough said.

Quoterie # 31

2006-08-09T04:13:00.000-07:00

"It looks like he's starting by the sightscreen". "More like Astrid's front garden". Two locals in Balsall Common discuss Shoaib Akhtar's run-up as he prepares to bowl for Birmingham League division three side Berkswell against St George's in an attempt to get fit in time for the fourth Test against England.

Tim's Isle

2006-08-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

One our favourite non-cricket cricket writers writes on the hazards of making a prediction in cricket at cricinfo.com. We concur. It's so easy to fix matches, it's best that only insiders make predictions. What with the advent of fancy-fixing, micro-fixing, player management and other arcane terms for plain ole match-fixing, predicting the outcome of anything cricket is, as our favourite non-cricket cricket writer Tim would say, a mug's game. You can read Tim on his sporting and non-sporting pastimes at www.timdelisle.com. Recommended dosage: Often.

Quoterie # 30

2006-08-08T00:22:00.000-07:00

"I can't understand the rule," he said. "In Faisalabad I leave the ball and I am out and in Peshawar I strike the ball and I am out." Lovable Inzy, perplexed by fate's iniquities.

Card shards

2006-08-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

After throwing $200,000 into one massive pot, he forced another player to bottle it by looking him straight in the eye and announcing "you don't wanna call". Having given the matter considerable thought, the opponent in question angrily folded AK face up. Gold promptly smirked and mucked his cards without showing them, in the process riffing all over his frustrated victim's pain. Nice. Excerpted from The Guardian's take on the world Poker championships taking place in, where else, but The Vegas.

Good things come to those who wait

2006-08-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Your ever-intrepid Fiver has unearthed the reason for Sol Campbell's recent absence - the wannabe thespian has been filming the latest Guinness advert. The first scene shows Sol celebrating winning the Double in his shiny Arsenal kit, before tripping backwards and getting mugged by John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. He ambles a bit further backwards and gets turned inside out by West Ham and his own left leg before we reach the present day when, wearing a confused frown, his hunched frame stoops to scrawl on a Portsmouth contract.

No, it's all true: Sol underwent a medical at Fratton Park today and, assuming that having 39-inch thighs and being slower than fossilisation doesn't send any of the doc's equipment into a frenzy, he'll be a Pompey player before you can mumble "Didn't you say something about foreign clubs?" It looks like Sol will be joined at the back by Sylvain Distin, if 'Arry's £4m bid to assemble the slowest and least elegant line of defence since Dad's Army is successful.

After being Euro 2004's standout player it's not so much a comedown as a flailing plunge from a 40-storey window, but Campbell seems content to sign a one-year deal. And if his legs haven't ground to a complete halt come next May, Portsmouth could be generous enough to offer him another year, probably at the slightly easier pace of the Championship. Which is fitting, really, since the final edit from Guinness ends with Campbell sitting in a puddle on a pitch at Hackney Marshes, shuddering at the indignity of it all.

Shamelessly filched for your reading pleasure from The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football. (Proof, if ever was needed, that we'll even steal for you undeserving sods.)

Headline dead line # 24

2006-08-07T05:55:00.000-07:00

The offender: Cricinfo Magazine
The subject: Muttiah Muralitharan
The dead line: Is Murali the greatest?
Comment: Don't you think an opening of such high quality deserved a little, just a little, more thought when it came to the headline? Here's the paragraph from the excellent profile by Mukul Kesavan. You decide.
The paragraph: 'Normal people don't think about sportsmen, they watch them. The thinking comes later, it's a second-order pleasure. There are those of us who add Virender Sehwag's latest score to his aggregate and divide by the number of innings played (minus the not-outs) to work out how many decimal points his career average has risen, but we do this in secret because we know that it is, like picking one's nose, a furtive pleasure that not everyone is likely to understand. To understand Muttiah Muralitharan, to appreciate what he means to cricket, we should begin, not with his statistics, but his Presence.'

Thought breaker # 3

2006-08-07T05:48:00.000-07:00

When we saw the end of the day score in the match against Sri Lanka and South Africa, today, we were forced to wonder, when was the last two players with the same surname batting together? My gut feeling is never. Ah well, it'll probably pass, but it is a thought worth breaking one's mundane non-thoughtprovoking day with. Any thoughts? The players we're referring to: DPMD Jayawardene and HAPW Jayawardene.

Headline dead line # 19

2006-08-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

In the dock: The Sportstar
The offending subject: The cover
The image: Tiger Woods
The dead line: 'Invincible'
Comment: Don't you think Tiger deserved better? Don't you think the cover deserved better? Don't you think the reader deserved better? Obviously, the venerated folk at the most revered and the boring institution in Indian journalism do not think so. Unfortunately, nothing in the world is going to make a difference to them. That's what happens when you become a self-serving institution. I guess. Check out Sports Illustrated's headline for the same story. Definitely not a dead line.

Headline dead line # 12

2006-08-05T20:40:00.000-07:00

http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/columns/content/story/255583.html
Was: When I was 577
Changed to: When a Maharajah cooled his heels
Why did the Sub-editor get into the act after the first headline was put in place? Did extensive and intensive research prove that the first headline wasn't working? Was the first headline misleading? Is the use of the word 'Maharajah' a bigger pull? Isn't the second headline misleading? Might it have something to do with a more current 'Maharajah' in the news? Note, Sourav Ganguly is also referred to by some of his minions and friends as 'Maharajah'. Is the Sub-editor trying to con people into clicking the story thinking it's a story about Sourav? The fact is it's not a story about Sourav but a story about another 'Maharajah' who used to play for the Indian team, the Maharaj of Baroda. Hmm...interesting the things Editors, Sub-editors and writers will do to get people to read their stories, which of course is an entirely different story. Fall for the headline. Enjoy the story. Good job Sreeram Veera.

Mr. Boring

2006-08-04T22:37:00.000-07:00

Is Rahul destined to be the most boring Captain India has ever had? Then again, is Captain Boring exactly the kind of Captain India needs? After the tumult and excitement of Sourav's years at the top, maybe it's time for some good, old fashioned consolidation. Much like what might be needed to keep the Indian Economy on the right path. After all, too much excitement can be quite a dangerous thing. Looks like Sunny's days are here again. Except, we now have the bowling attack to back Rahul. Here's our prediction: Mr. Boring is set to become the most successful Captain in Indian cricket. It would be well worth your while to not sleep through it.

Selvey's countersalvo

2006-08-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

Cuckoo. The best part of four months still to go to the start of the Ashes series and already Glenn McGrath is talking drivel. Is this the earliest yet? I think a letter to the Times is in order.

McGrath's blatherings - described in some quarters as "traditional", as if they were up there with the Melbourne Cup and Anzac Day - habitually take the form of a series prediction, usually 5-0 to Australia, or the latest players he intends to "target" with the ball. This is intended to be oh so scary, which once, when he was in his pomp, it might have been, but now, coming from a fellow rising 37 who won't have bowled for the best part of a year and when he does will do so at around Paul Collingwood's pace, carries the physical and mental threat of Private Pike. Perhaps he realises that actually England's batsmen will be targeting him and is just getting his retaliation in first.

Headline dead line # 15

2006-08-04T22:03:00.000-07:00

http://www.sportstaronnet.com/stories/20060805011300400.htm
Title: Cold-blooded Genius. This piece of shrivel for a piece by one of the most evocative writers in India, not in India. Rohit Brijnath's piece on Tiger Woods given the treatment by the venerated folk at The Sporstar.

Quoterie # 29

2006-08-04T21:44:00.000-07:00

It was a sour atmosphere, with oafish punters and scruffy, intellectually-challenged security officers contributing in equal measure to the nastiness. Until Lancashire summon the will to sort it out, the rest of us should ignore this dump."
Journalist Michael Henderson enjoys a day out at the Old Trafford Test. Oh, and he's a Lancashire member as well, so imagine what he would say about grounds he really doesn't like.

Headline dead line # 20

2006-08-04T21:36:00.000-07:00

http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/india/content/current/story/255537.html
Title: 'Smoke without fire'. What a damp squib of a headline for an elegant piece of writing by a writer who writes with so much verve and life. Where are the great Sub-editors? Or is it the Editors that have killed them? To think, this is the 'dead line' for a piece written by the Editor, Sambit Bal. Ah well, enjoy the piece. Ignore the headline.

Fixing the whistle-blowers, not the match-fixers

2006-08-04T21:32:00.000-07:00

Flogging aside, Chris has happy memories from county cricket. Like a lot of the old pros he misses the camaraderie. When he walked into the Arundel dressing room there was hearty back-slapping and high-fives; this for the man who shook up English cricket with claims of match-fixing and was ostracised for it.

Lewis recalled the turbulent year of 1999 clearly. "People have an idea of Chris Lewis because of this. All I did was report a conversation I had with a man I was approached by [Lewis does not name him]. My story was corroborated by Stephen Fleming. The same bloke approached Fleming and offered him money to organise match-fixing. I went straight to the ECB. People still think I named people. The strange thing was that everybody I knew, as in friends, wasn't saying: `Chris, what have you done now?' They were saying: `What are they trying to put on you now?'

"I was naïve. If me and my manager had done our homework we'd have noticed the guy who blows the whistle gets dicked on. I'd got myself in a very precarious position. I wasn't best buddies with the ECB. I'd had run-ins with them before. I didn't want to be a whistleblower. I knew people saw Chris Lewis as a troublemaker. He was the one driving a flashy Mercedes. People would think he's consorting with these types [match-fixers]. I thought `Oh no, oh no, we can't have this.' I met my solicitor and manager. I had to go to the ECB. I was compromised once I had met these guys involved in match- fixing. I wasn't being brave. I was covering my back."

Quoterie # 28

2006-08-04T21:24:00.000-07:00

"I know I could have achieved more. I say that in the context that anybody, no matter what they've achieved, feels they could actually do better." Chris Lewis, what a man and definitely not a machine.

Funame # 22

2006-08-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

After months of searching Babs Oduwole tracked down Chris Lewis, the man who might have been king.

The problem with tactics

2006-08-04T21:12:00.000-07:00

John Wright has given England some Ashes series advice by telling them not to let the Australians know if they are overawed. Wright was in charge of India's drawn series with Australia in 2003-04 and he has used his new book John Wright's Indian Summers to outline his successful plan, which was initially devised from his time as a New Zealand opening batsman in the 1980s.

"You don't look up to them, you look down on them - if you give any hint of being overawed you are gone," Wright told the India team as he stood on a chair to deliver his series address. "The players looked up at me with bemused expressions probably wondering if I planned to jump or fly." The tactic worked as Sourav Ganguly guided India to a 1-1 result in Steve Waugh's final series, although Australia gained revenge with a 2-1 win on their tour in 2004.

Maybe England should go in with their basketball team. That way, nobody need stand on a chair and every English player can look down, with comfort, at the Aussies.

Don Mourinho

2006-08-04T20:43:00.000-07:00

Some managers prefer to spend the close season on the beach, phone in hand, belly flobbing apologetically over tight black Speedos. Others choose to spend sweaty days in the office, selling and scheming ahead of the new season. Jose Mourinho, however, has spent the last three months glued to gangster videos. How else to explain a buzzcut so extreme it screams low-grade mobster grunt? Or his anguished comments about William Gallas's refusal to turn up for training, which are pure Michael Corleone?

"It's not only me that is upset - we're all upset," monotoned Mourinho, in between slurps of Mamma's special spaghetti. "Everybody is upset because we had a strong family and a strong group and this has shown a lack of respect to everybody and I don't like that." Lack of respect, il capo dei tutti capi being "upset" - the next stage, surely, is a decapitated cheval in the Frenchman's bed?

So it's little wonder that Gallas's agent has spent this afternoon frantically attempting to smooth things over. "I think we will meet the directors of Chelsea next week," trembled Pierre Frelot today. "I think but don't know." Mmm, doesn't sound promising does it? And nor does Frelot's desperate insistence that: "Maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding between both parties." Maybe. Or maybe not. Either way, unless Don Mourinho shows unusual compassion, Gallas's career will soon be rotting away - if not in a ditch off the M25, then in Chelsea's reserves.

Delivered with uncustomary Italian flair by The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football.

Do you bat like you?

2006-08-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

We are reading 'A Political biography of Ranjitsingji' by Mario Rodrigues, a book that is interesting to say the least. No, this is not a review of the book, we're too insignificant to attempt reviewing a book and we're certainly not one of those people who has the moxie or the skill to review a book without having written anything close to a book, yet. What we're attempting to do here is post a thought we came across in the book. On pg. 65 of the book, the author excerpts a snippet on Ranjitsinghji penned by Vasant Raiji in his volume on Ranji, 'Ranji: The legend and the man'. In the said volume, Vasant Raiji says, among other things, that "a man's character may be seen in his batting." Interesting thought, eh? Which makes us wonder, what does Sourav's batting say about his character? What does Sachin's batting say about his character? What does Sunny's batting say about his character? What does Rahul's batting say about his character? Does a man's batting say something about the man's character? And what about bowling? W do not know these great characters personally so we shan't venture to say much about their characters, but it does set us thinking. Hmm?

Quoterie # 27

2006-08-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

"It has a good grass covering and will have pace and carry. It may turn a little at some stage, but not a great deal."
Peter Marron, the Old Trafford groundsman, immediately before the first day of the second Test in which 12 wickets fell, the bounce was inconsistent, and the ball turned appreciably.

Headline dead line # 22

2006-08-03T05:29:00.000-07:00

'Hungry for runs', is, to put it mildly, stating the obvious headline for a piece written by Anand Vasu on the run-fest that Mahela and Sangakkara put together in the first Test against South Africa. Then again, chances are, it was the Editor who might have fo-erced the poor Sub-editor to go with that 'dead line' for a headline. Fortunately and as always, Anand Vasu delivers the goods with some more of his usual brand of fine cricket writing: http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/topperformer/content/current/story/255308.html

Funame # 23

2006-08-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

"Utseya prospers in his own right", Jamie Alter of cricinfo.com takes the obviously punny route while profiling Zimbabwe's new kid on the black, Prosper Utseya

How to play the game

2006-08-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

Doesn't matter who's saying it, what matters is what's being said: What I like about him now is that he's listening to everybody but only taking some of it in. You have to know what advice to take and what to discard in this game and Monty is already showing that he is his own man now, which was not the case when he was younger.

Quoterie # 27

2006-07-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

"When I write a book, then you'll know." After John Wright, the writing bug seems to have bitten Jagmohan Dalmiya as well, when asked if the CAB elections was the toughest of his career. Of course, we can't wait for Sourav and Greg Chapell, MBE to join the bookwagon.

Just not cricket

2006-07-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Cycling and baseball have more in common than you might think. Both sports put their athletes through absurdly grueling seasons, 162 games for major-leaguers, and more than 100 days of racing over eight months for most pro cyclists. While both cycling and baseball are team sports, both also prize individual performances and records. Finally, both sports are phenomenally difficult, with physical demands (timing, strength, and coordination in baseball, sheer speed and endurance in cycling) not required of, say, NASCAR drivers. In other words, both cyclists and ballplayers have much to gain from taking steroids and other performance-boosting substances. Coming to cricket...never mind. you see the parallels. Then again, maybe you don't. (Or just don't want to.)

Why 'unbelievable' should not be believed

2006-07-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

Like much of the rest of the world, I was thrilled by Floyd Landis' startling comeback in Stage 17 of the Tour de France. But since I write about doping and sports, I've learned to be suspicious of miracles. So the next time you see something amazing on the sports channel, think about it.

Mick Hume on Zidane and horses

2006-07-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

Those of us who have long argued against the Pavlovian notion that violence on television leads to violence off it have been dealt a blow. Weeks after the world watched Zinédine Zidane head-butt Marco Materazzi, jockey Paul O’Neill was caught “doing a Zidane” on a racehorse called City Affair. Like Zidane, O’Neill said sorry but blamed his victim for provoking him. So what did City Affair whisper in his ear? Something about having a face like a horse’s butt? My friend Ed Barrett, writer and equine lip-reader, suggests it was “Your mother is a terrorist horse”.

Quoterie # 26

2006-07-27T06:04:00.000-07:00

"It is a bit of an unexpected development," Tilt admitted yesterday, between consulting his health insurance policy and completing his will. "But we are looking forward to facing Shoaib. Most of our team are local boys and playing against him will be one of the highlights of our career. I usually bat at four or five, but I might drop myself down the order a bit for this one." Matthew Tilt, Captain of St. Georges from Telford in an understandably generous mood before he and his team of amateurs turn out in a match against Berkswell in the third division of the Birmingham league who will have Shoaib Akthar playing for them and trying to slowly make his way back to top-flight cricket after a long injury lay-off.

Quoterie # 25

2006-07-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

"I've seen him [Murali] crumble under pressure. I've seen batsmen taking him on going for like 80 in ten overs and they take him off." AB de Villiers seems to have seen what nobody else has even imagine.

Quoterie # 24

2006-07-27T05:56:00.000-07:00

"Almost everybody who can be in the Pakistan team is here and if any such player is not already with us, that means he is injured. I mean, we don't have anybody left to try out any more." Zaheer Abbas, Pakistan's team manager, paints a sorry picture regarding their injury troubles on the ongoing tour of England.

Quoterie # 23

2006-07-27T05:54:00.000-07:00

"It was a very, very dodgy wicket." Henry Webster, chairman of Yorkshire side Goldsborough, comes up with an international-quality excuse after his side were dismissed for 5. None of the runs came off the bat.

Quoterie # 22

2006-07-27T05:53:00.000-07:00

"I had to think quite hard about getting the flight to Doha. I had to be convinced I wouldn't get lost or something. I think it's east of India - way over there - I had never been there in my life before." Confusing the Middle-East for India's east, Thandi Tshabalala goes way off the mark.

Kicking Wayne Rooney

2006-07-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

It would be easy to sneer loftily at Wayne Rooney's "My Life Until Two Weeks Ago", the five million quid HarperCollins is paying him for his meanderings, and the whole cretinised community that hangs on his words like they matter. So let's. For the rest of the article, head to Gideon Haigh's take on Wayne's book that's not Wayne's book. Enjoy.
http://football.guardian.co.uk/comment/story/0,,1827980,00.html

Quick quip

2006-07-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

"Is Jose Mourinho's new haircut supposed to depict Chelsea's playing style? Flat at the back, thick in the middle and devoid of anything up front" - Jehan Shah, fan male.

Levytation

2006-07-20T10:07:00.000-07:00

According to France's foremost philosopher Bernard-Henry Levy, Zinédine Zidane is "more admired than the Pope, the Dalai Lama, [the Fiver] and Nelson Mandela put together". In fact according to Levy, it was precisely because he's so adored that Zizou brutally chestbutted Marco Materazzi during the World Cup final. The modest hero wanted to show he was human, see, not "a demi-god or some idiotic empty hologram". And as everyone knows, the best way to show you're a man is to behave like a rabid rhino.

How to write an apology note

2006-07-17T19:06:00.000-07:00

"Due to an act of blinding incompetence on our part, you received two Fivers on Friday afternoon, the first of which bore a remarkable similarity to Thursday's Fiver. We would like to apologise unreservedly for this foolishness and for any distress or embarrassment caused. We'd also like to promise it won't happen again, but it probably will, so we won't." Courtesy, the Fiver, The Guardian's tea-time take on all things football.

Will someone cleanse the 'Italian league' from Indian cricket?

2006-07-14T20:13:00.000-07:00

John Foot, author of Calcio: A History of Italian Football, thinks the scandal is in some respects quintessentially Italian: "Sucking up to the powerful is something that happens naturally in Italian society". But he also believes it is about the vast quantities of money now at stake in the Italian game. "The big clubs can't leave anything to chance now. They just have to win every year."

Balls to the simple pleasures of football

2006-07-14T08:14:00.000-07:00

The desire to read meaning into everything today is a symptom of the absence of anything meaningful of substance at the heart of society. The attempt to politicise something like football is one result of the demise of proper debate where it belongs in the political sphere. And the desire to turn a sporting hero into a major victim and a martyr is a graphic illustration of the emotion-driven state of public life. More proof:
http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php?/dev/article/1022
http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php?/site/article/398/
http://www.spiked-online.com/index.php?/site/article/362/

Simon says

2006-07-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

From the Guardian: "Perhaps we'll never know what was said or what he was thinking. Perhaps the greatest riddle of all is that in destroying his legacy as a sporting hero, he might have immortalised himself as the man who stood up to bigots, real or imagined, no matter the price." We concur.

Cho chweet!

2006-07-09T21:35:00.000-07:00

"I hope any year I come back here in the final and win, I hope one year I don't play against a guy like Roger," said Nadal. "He played unbelievable on this surface and I improved a lot this year, so I am very happy for that. But I can play on this surface, no?" Nobody doubts it now, especially Federer .

Wilson and his bitter

2006-07-08T20:37:00.000-07:00

Compare and contrast Beckham's tears with Gazza's in 1990. The latter had lit up Italia 90 and was upset at being ruled out of a likely final appearance he had done so much to bring about. It didn't happen, but he was not to know that. Beckham was one of England's dampest squibs in Germany, and he just looked damper when he started blubbing. Gazza inspired a generation of kids, not with his tears but with his football. If Beckham does the same, one fears it will be a few more generations before England get a grip on reality, let alone the World Cup.

There is nothing wrong with dreams, every footballer's career starts with them and the excellent Andrea Pirlo, for one, has just described reaching a World Cup final as a boyhood dream come true. Every aspiring footballer should dream of playing in a World Cup final, but when you become a professional footballer and take part in a World Cup tournament, the dream has to go on hold until the work is completed. No waving to friends in the crowd, no tears because you can't get your own way, no WAGs hamming it up on the giant screen. The last stages of World Cups are brutal, for players only. England have always been a bit rose-tinted about their place in the world order, but the Eriksson years will go down as a decadent period of wild over-optimism and blatant self-delusion. Fortunately, the FA have invested in an antidote. He's called Steve McClaren.

Buckley at his acerbic best

2006-07-08T20:31:00.000-07:00

At the end, Brian Barwick (ex-TV, now inevitably head of the FA) was still spinning away attempting to present the England team's debacle as a triumph on the bizarre grounds that Brazil and Argentina had departed from the airport before them. That's right, thanks to a delayed flight England are now officially the fifth best team in the world. Shortly thereafter, during an interregnum for the position of England captain, David Beckham announced his resignation from a position that didn't exist. A non-announcement designed to deflect attention from his friend and ex-boss that succeeded so well it knocked the death of English soldiers in Afghanistan down the news agenda.

Italy wins

2006-07-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

Italy 3, France 2, in overtime. One of the greatest games ever 'played'.

Dotty Motty

2006-07-07T22:26:00.000-07:00

A sampling of bloopers from the fortunately inimitable John Motson:

Even Brazil can't play without the ball."
Italy v Ghana

"What did they say the capacity was, Mark? Forty-three? I'll tell you, there's 35,000 English lads in here... oh, it's a goal! Who scored?"

"When you see scenes like that, you know you're watching the World Cup!"
England v Paraguay

"He's eccentric, so my Mexican friends tell me."
On the Mexican referee, Marco Rodriguez. England v Paraguay

"If it wasn't Brazil, you'd have to say they aren't playing that well."
Brazil v Croatia

"I don't think Totti's coming back!"
Stating the obvious when substitute for Italy's Totti, Camoranesi was already on the pitch against Ghana

Quoterie # 21

2006-07-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

"I was not a perfect player. I have to say, being a striker, I tried ... to get some advantages by joking with a player and then falling down by saying 'but he touched me'. And in fact it was not that. I did it. I think this is a normal movement and I can understand the players acting like that" - it might be a minor point, but how will Fifa ever stamp out diving if its president Sepp Blatter is a self-confessed cheat?

Why Nadal will beat Fed in an 'epic' final

2006-07-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

Because it's become too boring to watch Federer win. In fact, this is not going to be Federer's year. It's going to be the start of an 'epic' rivalry between Fed and Rafa.

Match fixing

2006-07-07T03:33:00.000-07:00

Is it just a co-incidence that in every series in the recent past India has either won the ODIs and lost the tests or vice versa? Isn't this a sign that the matches are being fixed in such a way that spectators and marketers on both sides are happy? Isn't this what marketers and spectators want? Cricket was dying in the West Indies, so the Windies were given the ODIs. (It helps, because the World Cup is going to be held there and the last thing they want is a fiscal fiasco.) We all know that the easiest way to make money from cricket is through ODIs. (We've seen that in the sub-continent.) Of course, there is no way to prove that matches are, still, being fixed. Guess we're better off believing they're not and continuing to live in our fools' paradise. Enjoy.