Expert's comments

Tips for budding commentators: 1) Don't start to speak for at least five seconds after a national anthem. It might not be over. 2) Never say 'There are bound to be goals in this one', unless you've backed the goalless draw. 3) Don't ask Dutch commentators for Dutch player pronunciations. They will just cover you with saliva. 4) Always have something to say over a close-up of Franz Beckenbauer. You will definitely get one. 5) Don't mention the war.