High Fiver

This is good sports writing. If you enjoy sports writing, forget what you normally enjoy. Subscribe to The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football. Check this out. And head down for more. Warning: Your sides may hurt on a daily basis. (From laughing, sillies!) Note, good sports writing, and very good writing: 'Internazionale are so determined to land follicly challenged Brazilian pie-eater Ronaldo that they are offering sparsely-coiffured Brazilian pie-eater Adriano in exchange - plus a fat purse stuffed with cash.' No, we, the verbally unchallenged, do not write for The Fiver. Unfortunately.

Wild swing from Saad Shafqat

Now they're calling it 'super swing'. First it was just swing. then, it became 'reverse swing'. Now some writers, with nothing better to write about, are calling it 'super swing'. Next thing you know someone like Rashid Latif will take an even wilder swing at labelling it and end up calling it something even fancier like 'fancy swinging'. Is the sports press so hard up for stories? Just ask.

Pitch perfect

We're in advertising and we're porud of this piece of pitching for The Guardian's sorta new sports. We couldn't have written it better. Maybe. "For the best comment and the liveliest debate, try our all-singing, all-dancing sport blog (warning: may not actually sing and dance)."

Balls to Umpires

Did Australia and England say this or did Australia and England say this? I guess they didn't say this, but did they mean that if the Asian countries don't want our Umpires, we don't want their Umpires. If Pakistan has a problem with Hair, we have a problem with Pakistan's Dar. If Pakistan doesn't think Hair is good enough, we don't think anybody else is good enough. Who says racism is dead? In fact, the worst kind of racism practiced is the kind of racism practiced when it isn't being practiced. Much like the worst kind of fixing taking place taking place when there is no fixing taking place. Supposedly.

Dirty Harry

Harry Pearson on Billy Doctrove and the state of cricket nowadays, saying what we've been trying to say: The 51-year-old could learn something from Dickie Bird. Following Sunday's controversy the Birdman voiced the opinion that the game should have carried on because people had paid money to watch it. This drew a huge cheer at Conservative HQ, where it has long been the belief that the outcome of Test matches should be determined not by the "nanny state" of the ICC but by market forces. If the customer wants to watch Kevin Pietersen score 4,000 runs then why on earth should red tape in the form of the so-called "laws of the game" prevent it by sending him back to pavilion lbw for 37? All we'd like to add here: Unmissable. http://sport.guardian.co.uk/columnists/

Hair today. There tomorrow.

A great piece by Marina Hyde on the way forward for Hair, in case he doesn't get another chance to officiate another Test match. One of the more hilarious writers in sport at her hilarious best. Goose down to The Gaurdian's sports pages and check out why she thinks Hair has no need to lose sleep over his current predicament. Rare to see a soccer writer write with such felicity on cricket. (Apart from us, of course, who can write with equal audacity on all matters sport.)

Whingeing Poms

Trust the Poms to do something slimy like trying to stir up trouble behind somebody's back. They did it when they were colonials, they haven't stopped doing it even now. And here we thought, Darrell Hair had started the whole thing about the ball being tampered with, unprovoked. Now we know Duncan Fletcher and Marcus Trescothicks binoculars were what got the whole thing started. Tut, tut you English are such sore losers. It's not enough for you to win the series, you just can't stomach losing to the fucking Pakis, can you? No wonder you hated Sourav Ganguly. We wait for the day India and Pakistan will be smart enough to send a unified team to Old Blighty. And it might even make commercial sense. (In fact, we're sure it will.) Hopefully, that should get the Boards' thoughts going. Imagine what fun it will be to watch whingeing Poms take on a unified Indo-Pak team. Imagine. Only.

Everybody loves Raymond

And nobody loves us. Because when we say this, people dismiss it as poppycock. We're also kept out of the one form of journalism we so thoroughly enjoy. So we'll let someone with a little more authority, a lot more style and a bigger share of voice say it. Over the past few years, sports broadcasting, from athletics to football, has become less journalistically driven and increasingly populated by former sports stars. Framed by entertainment rather than journalistic values and with too many vested interests involved, football coverage on television tends now to be driven by soft opinion rather than hard analysis. Television often appears to see its role as promoting sport, rather than reporting, investigating and analysing. The BBC was particularly guilty of this in its coverage from Germany, where ex-players in particular were singularly unable - or unwilling - to cut through the media-generated hyperbole surrounding the England team and examine the realities of a limited and under-performing team. Shamelessly Extracted without permission from Raymond Boyle's take in The Guardian on the world of commercial sport. Note: Raymond Boyle is a professor at the Media Research Institute at Stirling University and the author of Sports Journalism: Context and Issues

Balls to steroids

If you think the short-term benefits of steroid use outweigh any long-term fuck-ups they might cause, you're probably right. But if you're the sensible sort and are foolish enough to think living a long, less than utterly indulgent life is the way to go, you might want to consider this: If you were looking for a single phrase guaranteed to deter men from taking anabolic steroids "testicles the size of peanuts" would appear to fit the bill. This significant shrinkage was suffered by the body builder Steve Michalik after prolonged misuse of these drugs. Steve found himself in early middle age, having already suffered a heart attack and a stroke, with "the testosterone level of a 12-year-old girl" alongside the Lilliputian reproductive equipment; and whereas miniaturisation on this scale in, say, a chocolate bar might be called fun size Steve was clearly finding his low testosterone/shrunken gonad combo anything but fun. That's an extract from Martin Kelner's story in The Guardian on steroid use among body builders. You decide. Chicks, money and fame when you're young or good-sized balls and rock and roll when you're old.

Is it time to legalise ball-tampering, also?

When things like match-fixing and pitch-doctoring have been legalised, why not give the official sanction to ball-tampering too? What's the worst that can happen? Ah yes, it'll no longer be a batsman's game. And when it's no longer a batsman's game, the crowds won't get their quota of sixes and fours. Sides will be dismissed for lower scores. Matches will no longer be run-fests. Sponsors will start complaining. And the money will go out of cricket. Now we get it. It's okay to doctor certain things in cricket for commercial reasons, but other things will not be allowed. For commercial reasons. Sorry bowlers. The game will continued to be loaded against you, unless you find a way to make the administrators more money.

The problem with Hashim Amla

When people ask when people will start talking about Hashim's Amla's batting, we have only one thing to say, when he starts batting. So far, he hasn't done much for people to start talking about his batting, which is why they talk about things that have nothing to do with his batting. Makes us wonder, was Hashim Amla chosen for his batting?

Wright or wrong?

Doesn't it betray a lack of faith in the then coach if the then coach has to indulge in 'guesswork' regarding the dubious declaration of that Indian innings in the Multan Test with Sachin on 194? Why would a non-controversial man like John Wright stoop to indulging in 'guesswork' on such an important team issue? What does it say about the role, or the lack of it, John Wright played as a Coach? And what does it say about Rahul, one of the men who was instrumental in asking for John Wright to be Coach of India? Somebody is lying. And we sure hope it's not the current Captain of India. Of course in the absence of any more information, we can always blame the press for creating, and craving, a controversy.

Quoterie # 35

His other pressing ambition is to score more. He takes me through that one goal in all his professional career - for Fulham against Watford. "I ran and found myself through and hit the ball into the far corner. The sad thing was I didn't even know how to celebrate. I just ran off." Moritz Volz in a funny mood and in a conversation with that other joker, Simon Hattenstone.

Why England are getting tonked in the last test match

Many reasons, some of which we shall proceed to state here. If England don't get tonked, people will have little to criticise and chasten them about before the Ashes. England are getting tonked because the English fans are already thinking about the Ashes. England are getting tonked because Pakistan need to be sent back home safely. England are getting tonked because Australia always got tonked in the last match of dead rubbers. England are getting tonked because the ICC's agenda is to make sure everybody gets a piece of the action. England are getting tonked because this series was meant to be this way. England are getting tonked so that we may shout from the rooftops that every cricket match, every sport is fixed, not that anyone cares for what we say. After all, what's the fun in knowing it's all fixed when it's so much more fun to think there's a stirring contest taking place and Pakistan are making an incredible comeback. It's so easy to imagine nothing is fixed and that England just got complacent. England are getting tonked because...oh, never mind, we're tired of ranting. It's great to see Asif back in action. It's been a while since we've seen someone with such a lovely bowling action. Enjoy the action.

The business of scheduling cricket matches during the monsoon season

We see cricket matches repeatedly being scheduled during the monsoon season. We keep lamenting the fact that cricket matches are scheduled during the monsoon season. We wonder why cricket matches are scheduled during the monsoon season? Who benefits the most from scheduling cricket matches during the monsoon season? Do the advertisers get their money back? Do the spectators get their money back? If not, we know exactly why cricket matches are scheduled during the monsoon season. Play on.

How to get a paid holiday in the Caribbean

Never mind that Sven-Goran Eriksson, Glenn Hoddle, Jose Pekerman and EhJohnehBarnes are all sniffing around the Jamaica manager's job and the accompanying £3m-a-year stipend, what they're really looking for is we know what. You don't? Well, we do.

Quoterie # 34

"We obviously have three very hard teams against us this time, but that may help us because it is the so-called weaker nations we have struggled against in the past" - Never mind France, Italy and Ukraine, it's the Faroe Islands, Lithuania and Georgia that James McFadden expects to stand between Scotland and qualification for Euro 2008

200 not out

Announcing the quickest 200 ever scored in the history of sport. A sport that few people care for and even fewer watch. For those of you with little better to do than waste your time on this mother of all sports blogs, we thought it might be of interest to you to know that while we might have had grander visions and dreams of becoming a cricketer and making many double hundreds, all we've managed is 200 reasonably interesting posts on the wild world of sport. Thanks for watching. The story continues, for nobody in particular. Boy, we must love sport. Or maybe we're just plain desperate to prove to the people who've repeatedly rejected us that we do know a bit about sport. A bit.

Frankly Keating

As a teenager, Milkha had lost his entire family in the horrors of partition but now, home a hero in Kashmir and to encourage Indian athletes, he offered the equivalent in rupees of £3,000 to anyone who could break his Olympic time of 45.73 secs. All of 38 years later, in 1998, a Sikh policeman Paramjeet Singh claimed to have beaten it by 0.03 of a second at a local meet. Sensing a timekeepers' plot, old Milkha flatly refused to pay up. Well, sporting Sikhs are sticklers for accuracy and shrewd with it. Two qualities which make for priceless spin bowlers.

Women are tops

We need more women in sport. They may not play as hard as the men do. They certainly cannot be expected to be as good as the men are. But they most certainly belong in sport. More women in sport will attract more women to sport, and men. More women in sport will also mean fewer women who complain about their men putting sport before women. We say put more women before sport. It'll give something the men something else to look at, when the sport gets too boring. Apart from all that, more women in sport means more people for advertisers to target and more people for the advertisers to target means more money for the people in sport. All of which, adds up to about 75 very good reasons why there should be more women in sport. I mean, how much fun can it be to watch tennis without, for instance, Maria Sharapova? Case closed. Field open.

Quoterie # 33

"When the fans at Alan Shearer's testimonial started waving the scarves, it was one of those moments that made the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. It was the talk of football and even now, people still bring it up in conversation. I hope scarf-waving will become a tradition" - Fat Freddy Shepherd intends to give every fan at St James' Park on Saturday a free club scarf, and ignore decades of Italian terrace culture while he's at it.

Hats off to The Fiver

They just won't stop taking the pants off everything they think is wrong with English soccer. Like how they just won't stop referring to the new England coach Steve McClaren as 'Second-Choice Steve McClaren'. Snigger, snigger, wicked, wicked, deliciously wicked The Fiver, how we love you. We also envy you. We used to be like that, you know. Sarcastic, cynical and cutting with our views on the overpaid stars of the sporting world, until we got shut down. More power to you guys. And no power to us.

Why we should be a sports commentator

"Obnoxiously loud, relentlessly miserable, overly opinionated, harshly critical, unnecessarily aggressive, cynical and boorish. Also rarely describes what is going on. What's not to love?" And that's Alan Green, one of the top contenders to replace John Motson that The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football is talking about. Take that, you...you...you...never mind. It's still not likely to get us the fucking job. Fine, at least give us the bloody writer's job.

Headline dead line # 43

The accused: Sportstar
The subject: Mahela Jayawardene
The dead line: "The way I planned my innings was sensational!"
The verdict: When will The Sportstar make life fun for it's Sub-Editors? Sub-Editors don't get a chance to write. They sit on their desks and yawn their way through reams of other people's copy. And then, they get Editors who won't let them have a little fun writing a headline. Nope. Just take a quote from the story and bung it in as the headline. What fun! Imagine, this is the fate of a story about one of the greatest innings ever played in cricket. Sigh.

Simon Barnes, the copywriter

The product: Monty Panesar
The plug: Hero worship
The ad, http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,426-2307795,00.html
The copy test: "And he has done so without gimmicks, without schmoozing the media, without seeking attention, without playing the character. He has given us talent, nerve, decency, modesty, quiet confidence, a diffident charm, an ability to cope with adversity, a desire to improve, a taste for hard work, a loyalty to the values of his upbringing, a relish for the cut and thrust of his sport, a delight in the privilege of playing at the highest level, a willingness and an ability to learn, handsome looks and a classic, stately bowling action that is almost as beautiful as his beard." The verdict: Sold

Absolutely bitchy Andrew Miller

Absolutely fabulous, darling If there are endorsements up for grabs then Kevin Pietersen won't be far from the action. Sure enough, he was back on the prowl in Knightsbridge this week, as he and his popstar fiancée, Jessica Taylor, continued their one-couple mission to become cricket's equivalent of Wayne and Coleen. For the record, Kev and Jess spent the day at that most WAG-tastic of destinations, Harvey Nichols, "indulging in the latest fashion and beauty 'must haves' before retiring to the exclusive Fifth Floor for a well-deserved cocktail," simpered one of the more spurious press releases of the year. But how, pray, did they get there? "It couldn't be simpler," added the mystery wordsmith. "Flag down one of a complementary fleet of Volkswagen Eos, climb aboard and state 'take me to Harvey Nichols!'" Never mind Posh and Becks. It's all a bit Patsy and Edina, if you ask me. (With abolutely no love from Cricinfo.com)

Miss Monty

"Maybe that's why the hirsute Monty Panesar didn't make the Champions Trophy cut - he's not exactly a natural-born aftershave salesman." Andrew Miller of Cricinfo.com at his witty best on why Boss may have given Monty the miss when it came to modelling their products, but not some of the more suave members of the English cricket team.

Just not cricket from Will Luke on 20/20 cricket

During its inception, the cricket almost felt like a bit-part to the day's attractions, all that has since changed. Indeed, after the Sugar Babes had strut their stuff in the dying light and shaken their booty - or whatever inappropriate phrase you wish to use - the PA boomed across the outfield. "Well, I hope you enjoyed that," he proffered, in his best Pathe News voice. "The news is that Leicestershire have won the toss and will bat."

Sport bubble # 20/20

When 20/20 comes of age, will it become 40/40? Will 50/50 be the father of one-day cricket? And will test match cricket become like old father time. Something the relics yearn for? Much like how we need grandparents not for their ability to contribute economically but to remind us of a time gone by nostalgically.

Goodboy Beckham

No matter what you say about David Beckam, the one thing you cannot question is his grace. Beckam may not have been a great player. He may not have had the breathtaking skills that other great footballers who spring to mind have He may have been little more than a one-trick pony. He may not have been a very inspiring leader. He may not have been a towering personality. But he definitely was the gentleman of world soccer. In many ways, to us, he was like the English Zidane.

Quoterie # 32

"The players are excited to be associated ... with such an iconic brand in the world of male grooming." England's captain, Andrew Strauss, gets unfeasibly excited at the prospect of free aftershave for life, as the ECB signs a sponsorship deal with Hugo Boss

Oh, have they?

Mr. Buchanan, the Coach of the Australian cricket team thinks the English cricket team has improved considerably. I see. Do the media have nothing better to talk about? Is every obvious statement meant to be reported? Are they so starved for stories? Next Cricinfo.com will say Monty Panesar is a welcome addition to the England attack.

What may we ask is enough penalty?

Allan Border says it's time to forgive Dean Jones for his prejudiced comment on Hashim Amla. He says Deano has paid enough for his crimes. As usual, he justifies this by saying that the Australians have a 'certain way' of doing and saying things. These Australians make me sick. A beer at the end of the day justifies all the filth they spew out on the cricket field during the course of play. And the 'Australian way' justifies anything that the Australians say during the course of life. I guess that's what happens when you come from a land that's so isolated from the real world and a bit too rich for its own good. Get real, Mr. Border. Dean Jones can come back, but you cannot pass off the comment as something that's part and parcel of the 'Australian way'. That's like other people being forgiven for saying Australians are racists. For instance, you wouldn't react as kindly if Sunny Gavaskar were to label an Australian cricketer as 'racist'. Or would you pass that off too as just a reflection of the 'Australian way' of thinking?

The things we believe...

We believe 150-pound Floyd Landis was on the juice but 260-pound NFL players with 33-inch waists who can bench-press 350 pounds and run 4.5 40s are completely clean. We believe we can have six-pack abs with a 12-minute workout just three days a week. We believe all women basketball players and golfers are lesbians but that no male baseball, football, hockey or basketball players are gay. We believe the speed gun that measures bowling speeds. We believe pitch reports. We believe 5.9 billion people watched the World Cup even though the world population is 6.6 billion. We believe there is no match-fixing in world cricket.

Delicious Down Under

What with the top two teams in world cricket competing in what is perhaps the best neck of the woods to play cricket in, the Ashes Redux promises to be the event in world cricket to look forward to. Harmison v/s Mcgrath. Panesar v/s Warne. Strauss v/s Langer. The list of confrontations for the hypemeisters to plug seems never-ending. We can't wait for it to happen. Unfortunately, we must. Like all good things, this, too, shall be come to those who wait. Meanwhile, let's drink to that and wish Dean Jones a speedy recovery.

Poor Monty

The amount of hyping that's being done about him, the fall is going to be great and painful. Here's hoping he manages to snare a few advertising contracts before he's cast aside like yesterday's curry. Just imagine, he's got to live up to this from Ian Botham: "Watch this space, Australia - England have unearthed a spin jewel of their own."

Headline dead line # 25

The offender: Cricinfo.com
The subject: Ian Bell
The dead line: The Bell that keep ringing
The pun: Appalling
Comment: If Andrew Miller has come up with that headline, he deserves to be shot for it. Put simply, a writer of his calibre shouldn't have to resort to such a terribell pun, like the one I just stooped to. And if it's not Andrew's doing, he should shoot the Sub-Editor, Editor or whoever came up with that monstrosity. Enough said.

Quoterie # 31

"It looks like he's starting by the sightscreen". "More like Astrid's front garden". Two locals in Balsall Common discuss Shoaib Akhtar's run-up as he prepares to bowl for Birmingham League division three side Berkswell against St George's in an attempt to get fit in time for the fourth Test against England.

Tim's Isle

One our favourite non-cricket cricket writers writes on the hazards of making a prediction in cricket at cricinfo.com. We concur. It's so easy to fix matches, it's best that only insiders make predictions. What with the advent of fancy-fixing, micro-fixing, player management and other arcane terms for plain ole match-fixing, predicting the outcome of anything cricket is, as our favourite non-cricket cricket writer Tim would say, a mug's game. You can read Tim on his sporting and non-sporting pastimes at www.timdelisle.com. Recommended dosage: Often.

Quoterie # 30

"I can't understand the rule," he said. "In Faisalabad I leave the ball and I am out and in Peshawar I strike the ball and I am out." Lovable Inzy, perplexed by fate's iniquities.

Card shards

After throwing $200,000 into one massive pot, he forced another player to bottle it by looking him straight in the eye and announcing "you don't wanna call". Having given the matter considerable thought, the opponent in question angrily folded AK face up. Gold promptly smirked and mucked his cards without showing them, in the process riffing all over his frustrated victim's pain. Nice. Excerpted from The Guardian's take on the world Poker championships taking place in, where else, but The Vegas.

Good things come to those who wait

Your ever-intrepid Fiver has unearthed the reason for Sol Campbell's recent absence - the wannabe thespian has been filming the latest Guinness advert. The first scene shows Sol celebrating winning the Double in his shiny Arsenal kit, before tripping backwards and getting mugged by John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. He ambles a bit further backwards and gets turned inside out by West Ham and his own left leg before we reach the present day when, wearing a confused frown, his hunched frame stoops to scrawl on a Portsmouth contract.

No, it's all true: Sol underwent a medical at Fratton Park today and, assuming that having 39-inch thighs and being slower than fossilisation doesn't send any of the doc's equipment into a frenzy, he'll be a Pompey player before you can mumble "Didn't you say something about foreign clubs?" It looks like Sol will be joined at the back by Sylvain Distin, if 'Arry's £4m bid to assemble the slowest and least elegant line of defence since Dad's Army is successful.

After being Euro 2004's standout player it's not so much a comedown as a flailing plunge from a 40-storey window, but Campbell seems content to sign a one-year deal. And if his legs haven't ground to a complete halt come next May, Portsmouth could be generous enough to offer him another year, probably at the slightly easier pace of the Championship. Which is fitting, really, since the final edit from Guinness ends with Campbell sitting in a puddle on a pitch at Hackney Marshes, shuddering at the indignity of it all.

Shamelessly filched for your reading pleasure from The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football. (Proof, if ever was needed, that we'll even steal for you undeserving sods.)

Headline dead line # 24

The offender: Cricinfo Magazine
The subject: Muttiah Muralitharan
The dead line: Is Murali the greatest?
Comment: Don't you think an opening of such high quality deserved a little, just a little, more thought when it came to the headline? Here's the paragraph from the excellent profile by Mukul Kesavan. You decide.
The paragraph: 'Normal people don't think about sportsmen, they watch them. The thinking comes later, it's a second-order pleasure. There are those of us who add Virender Sehwag's latest score to his aggregate and divide by the number of innings played (minus the not-outs) to work out how many decimal points his career average has risen, but we do this in secret because we know that it is, like picking one's nose, a furtive pleasure that not everyone is likely to understand. To understand Muttiah Muralitharan, to appreciate what he means to cricket, we should begin, not with his statistics, but his Presence.'

Thought breaker # 3

When we saw the end of the day score in the match against Sri Lanka and South Africa, today, we were forced to wonder, when was the last two players with the same surname batting together? My gut feeling is never. Ah well, it'll probably pass, but it is a thought worth breaking one's mundane non-thoughtprovoking day with. Any thoughts? The players we're referring to: DPMD Jayawardene and HAPW Jayawardene.

Headline dead line # 19

In the dock: The Sportstar
The offending subject: The cover
The image: Tiger Woods
The dead line: 'Invincible'
Comment: Don't you think Tiger deserved better? Don't you think the cover deserved better? Don't you think the reader deserved better? Obviously, the venerated folk at the most revered and the boring institution in Indian journalism do not think so. Unfortunately, nothing in the world is going to make a difference to them. That's what happens when you become a self-serving institution. I guess. Check out Sports Illustrated's headline for the same story. Definitely not a dead line.

Headline dead line # 12

http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/columns/content/story/255583.html
Was: When I was 577
Changed to: When a Maharajah cooled his heels
Why did the Sub-editor get into the act after the first headline was put in place? Did extensive and intensive research prove that the first headline wasn't working? Was the first headline misleading? Is the use of the word 'Maharajah' a bigger pull? Isn't the second headline misleading? Might it have something to do with a more current 'Maharajah' in the news? Note, Sourav Ganguly is also referred to by some of his minions and friends as 'Maharajah'. Is the Sub-editor trying to con people into clicking the story thinking it's a story about Sourav? The fact is it's not a story about Sourav but a story about another 'Maharajah' who used to play for the Indian team, the Maharaj of Baroda. Hmm...interesting the things Editors, Sub-editors and writers will do to get people to read their stories, which of course is an entirely different story. Fall for the headline. Enjoy the story. Good job Sreeram Veera.

Mr. Boring

Is Rahul destined to be the most boring Captain India has ever had? Then again, is Captain Boring exactly the kind of Captain India needs? After the tumult and excitement of Sourav's years at the top, maybe it's time for some good, old fashioned consolidation. Much like what might be needed to keep the Indian Economy on the right path. After all, too much excitement can be quite a dangerous thing. Looks like Sunny's days are here again. Except, we now have the bowling attack to back Rahul. Here's our prediction: Mr. Boring is set to become the most successful Captain in Indian cricket. It would be well worth your while to not sleep through it.

Selvey's countersalvo

Cuckoo. The best part of four months still to go to the start of the Ashes series and already Glenn McGrath is talking drivel. Is this the earliest yet? I think a letter to the Times is in order.

McGrath's blatherings - described in some quarters as "traditional", as if they were up there with the Melbourne Cup and Anzac Day - habitually take the form of a series prediction, usually 5-0 to Australia, or the latest players he intends to "target" with the ball. This is intended to be oh so scary, which once, when he was in his pomp, it might have been, but now, coming from a fellow rising 37 who won't have bowled for the best part of a year and when he does will do so at around Paul Collingwood's pace, carries the physical and mental threat of Private Pike. Perhaps he realises that actually England's batsmen will be targeting him and is just getting his retaliation in first.

Headline dead line # 15

http://www.sportstaronnet.com/stories/20060805011300400.htm
Title: Cold-blooded Genius. This piece of shrivel for a piece by one of the most evocative writers in India, not in India. Rohit Brijnath's piece on Tiger Woods given the treatment by the venerated folk at The Sporstar.

Quoterie # 29

It was a sour atmosphere, with oafish punters and scruffy, intellectually-challenged security officers contributing in equal measure to the nastiness. Until Lancashire summon the will to sort it out, the rest of us should ignore this dump."
Journalist Michael Henderson enjoys a day out at the Old Trafford Test. Oh, and he's a Lancashire member as well, so imagine what he would say about grounds he really doesn't like.

Headline dead line # 20

http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/india/content/current/story/255537.html
Title: 'Smoke without fire'. What a damp squib of a headline for an elegant piece of writing by a writer who writes with so much verve and life. Where are the great Sub-editors? Or is it the Editors that have killed them? To think, this is the 'dead line' for a piece written by the Editor, Sambit Bal. Ah well, enjoy the piece. Ignore the headline.

Fixing the whistle-blowers, not the match-fixers

Flogging aside, Chris has happy memories from county cricket. Like a lot of the old pros he misses the camaraderie. When he walked into the Arundel dressing room there was hearty back-slapping and high-fives; this for the man who shook up English cricket with claims of match-fixing and was ostracised for it.

Lewis recalled the turbulent year of 1999 clearly. "People have an idea of Chris Lewis because of this. All I did was report a conversation I had with a man I was approached by [Lewis does not name him]. My story was corroborated by Stephen Fleming. The same bloke approached Fleming and offered him money to organise match-fixing. I went straight to the ECB. People still think I named people. The strange thing was that everybody I knew, as in friends, wasn't saying: `Chris, what have you done now?' They were saying: `What are they trying to put on you now?'

"I was naïve. If me and my manager had done our homework we'd have noticed the guy who blows the whistle gets dicked on. I'd got myself in a very precarious position. I wasn't best buddies with the ECB. I'd had run-ins with them before. I didn't want to be a whistleblower. I knew people saw Chris Lewis as a troublemaker. He was the one driving a flashy Mercedes. People would think he's consorting with these types [match-fixers]. I thought `Oh no, oh no, we can't have this.' I met my solicitor and manager. I had to go to the ECB. I was compromised once I had met these guys involved in match- fixing. I wasn't being brave. I was covering my back."

Quoterie # 28

"I know I could have achieved more. I say that in the context that anybody, no matter what they've achieved, feels they could actually do better." Chris Lewis, what a man and definitely not a machine.

Funame # 22

After months of searching Babs Oduwole tracked down Chris Lewis, the man who might have been king.

The problem with tactics

John Wright has given England some Ashes series advice by telling them not to let the Australians know if they are overawed. Wright was in charge of India's drawn series with Australia in 2003-04 and he has used his new book John Wright's Indian Summers to outline his successful plan, which was initially devised from his time as a New Zealand opening batsman in the 1980s.

"You don't look up to them, you look down on them - if you give any hint of being overawed you are gone," Wright told the India team as he stood on a chair to deliver his series address. "The players looked up at me with bemused expressions probably wondering if I planned to jump or fly." The tactic worked as Sourav Ganguly guided India to a 1-1 result in Steve Waugh's final series, although Australia gained revenge with a 2-1 win on their tour in 2004.

Maybe England should go in with their basketball team. That way, nobody need stand on a chair and every English player can look down, with comfort, at the Aussies.

Don Mourinho

Some managers prefer to spend the close season on the beach, phone in hand, belly flobbing apologetically over tight black Speedos. Others choose to spend sweaty days in the office, selling and scheming ahead of the new season. Jose Mourinho, however, has spent the last three months glued to gangster videos. How else to explain a buzzcut so extreme it screams low-grade mobster grunt? Or his anguished comments about William Gallas's refusal to turn up for training, which are pure Michael Corleone?

"It's not only me that is upset - we're all upset," monotoned Mourinho, in between slurps of Mamma's special spaghetti. "Everybody is upset because we had a strong family and a strong group and this has shown a lack of respect to everybody and I don't like that." Lack of respect, il capo dei tutti capi being "upset" - the next stage, surely, is a decapitated cheval in the Frenchman's bed?

So it's little wonder that Gallas's agent has spent this afternoon frantically attempting to smooth things over. "I think we will meet the directors of Chelsea next week," trembled Pierre Frelot today. "I think but don't know." Mmm, doesn't sound promising does it? And nor does Frelot's desperate insistence that: "Maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding between both parties." Maybe. Or maybe not. Either way, unless Don Mourinho shows unusual compassion, Gallas's career will soon be rotting away - if not in a ditch off the M25, then in Chelsea's reserves.

Delivered with uncustomary Italian flair by The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football.

Do you bat like you?

We are reading 'A Political biography of Ranjitsingji' by Mario Rodrigues, a book that is interesting to say the least. No, this is not a review of the book, we're too insignificant to attempt reviewing a book and we're certainly not one of those people who has the moxie or the skill to review a book without having written anything close to a book, yet. What we're attempting to do here is post a thought we came across in the book. On pg. 65 of the book, the author excerpts a snippet on Ranjitsinghji penned by Vasant Raiji in his volume on Ranji, 'Ranji: The legend and the man'. In the said volume, Vasant Raiji says, among other things, that "a man's character may be seen in his batting." Interesting thought, eh? Which makes us wonder, what does Sourav's batting say about his character? What does Sachin's batting say about his character? What does Sunny's batting say about his character? What does Rahul's batting say about his character? Does a man's batting say something about the man's character? And what about bowling? W do not know these great characters personally so we shan't venture to say much about their characters, but it does set us thinking. Hmm?

Quoterie # 27

"It has a good grass covering and will have pace and carry. It may turn a little at some stage, but not a great deal."
Peter Marron, the Old Trafford groundsman, immediately before the first day of the second Test in which 12 wickets fell, the bounce was inconsistent, and the ball turned appreciably.

Headline dead line # 22

'Hungry for runs', is, to put it mildly, stating the obvious headline for a piece written by Anand Vasu on the run-fest that Mahela and Sangakkara put together in the first Test against South Africa. Then again, chances are, it was the Editor who might have fo-erced the poor Sub-editor to go with that 'dead line' for a headline. Fortunately and as always, Anand Vasu delivers the goods with some more of his usual brand of fine cricket writing: http://content-usa.cricinfo.com/topperformer/content/current/story/255308.html

Funame # 23

"Utseya prospers in his own right", Jamie Alter of cricinfo.com takes the obviously punny route while profiling Zimbabwe's new kid on the black, Prosper Utseya

How to play the game

Doesn't matter who's saying it, what matters is what's being said: What I like about him now is that he's listening to everybody but only taking some of it in. You have to know what advice to take and what to discard in this game and Monty is already showing that he is his own man now, which was not the case when he was younger.