Good things come to those who wait

Your ever-intrepid Fiver has unearthed the reason for Sol Campbell's recent absence - the wannabe thespian has been filming the latest Guinness advert. The first scene shows Sol celebrating winning the Double in his shiny Arsenal kit, before tripping backwards and getting mugged by John Terry and Rio Ferdinand. He ambles a bit further backwards and gets turned inside out by West Ham and his own left leg before we reach the present day when, wearing a confused frown, his hunched frame stoops to scrawl on a Portsmouth contract.

No, it's all true: Sol underwent a medical at Fratton Park today and, assuming that having 39-inch thighs and being slower than fossilisation doesn't send any of the doc's equipment into a frenzy, he'll be a Pompey player before you can mumble "Didn't you say something about foreign clubs?" It looks like Sol will be joined at the back by Sylvain Distin, if 'Arry's £4m bid to assemble the slowest and least elegant line of defence since Dad's Army is successful.

After being Euro 2004's standout player it's not so much a comedown as a flailing plunge from a 40-storey window, but Campbell seems content to sign a one-year deal. And if his legs haven't ground to a complete halt come next May, Portsmouth could be generous enough to offer him another year, probably at the slightly easier pace of the Championship. Which is fitting, really, since the final edit from Guinness ends with Campbell sitting in a puddle on a pitch at Hackney Marshes, shuddering at the indignity of it all.

Shamelessly filched for your reading pleasure from The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football. (Proof, if ever was needed, that we'll even steal for you undeserving sods.)