Warne claims he was misquoted

In a googly-like twist to the press-player jamboree, the great twister of his own inflammatory statements on everything from v-fronts to how coaching is little more than a front for doing not much more than driving a bus (or some such misquoted thing), Shane 'the mouth' Warne has claimed he was misquoted.

Considering his farcically responsible views were not elicited on anything of any significance in the recent past, we're mystified by the once-avoirdupois spinner of tall tales' statement. We're jogging our hazy memory on the unsaid matter and will be back with more on the same. Rest assured, there's much that hasn't been said. And will, most certainly, be.

In the meantime, if you wish to try your hand at some pointless citizen journalism aimed at increasing the number of page views of this rarely read usepaper for toilet purposes, please feel free to email your reports to us at the address you, thankfully, won't find at the end of this report. Of course, this is not the end of this report. Unfortunately.

After conducting no research whatsoever, we have arrived at the possible reasons Shane Warne might claim he has been misquoted. Apparently, a lackadaisical proof-reader in our non-existent department of printing misread what Shane Warne was saying. Actually, what the misrespected gent said was that he missed being quoted.

When we contacted the press for their views on this matter, they pressed us not to pursue the story any further. They also requested us not to quote them for the fear of being quoted. Fortunately, we are not that kind of usepaper. We're a useless usepaper with nothing to do and so we persisted, with insistence, to get to the bottom of this story.

You have reached the bottom of this story. As is normal with most bottoms, this bottom stinks almost as much as the story. No wonder the story is raising such a stink. The bottomline is this: Shane Warne's mother is the one her son identified as the one behind all these inflammatory quotes being attributed to the legendary player.

Like all good reporters, we do not take the bottom for what it seems. And it is from the bowels of the bottom of this story that we've unearthed this gem of misinformation. All the sins that have so far been attributed to Shane Warne were actually being fed to him by his mother, without his knowledge. We rest this basketcase.

Incidentally, if any you miss being quoted do spare a thought for Rahul Dravid. The respected gent's quotes are always missed because people are either too bored to make a quote of them or are too busy executing other people's plans or are simply reading between the lines for a certain Greg Chappell MBE who loves being quoted.

Readers note: If you choose to quote us in round-table, square-table or below-the-table discussions of any importance, you do so at your own peril. You can be sure we will not intervene to save ourselves or you by claiming we were misquoted. We have no mother, either. So the only person who will be blamed is you.