Don Mourinho

Some managers prefer to spend the close season on the beach, phone in hand, belly flobbing apologetically over tight black Speedos. Others choose to spend sweaty days in the office, selling and scheming ahead of the new season. Jose Mourinho, however, has spent the last three months glued to gangster videos. How else to explain a buzzcut so extreme it screams low-grade mobster grunt? Or his anguished comments about William Gallas's refusal to turn up for training, which are pure Michael Corleone?

"It's not only me that is upset - we're all upset," monotoned Mourinho, in between slurps of Mamma's special spaghetti. "Everybody is upset because we had a strong family and a strong group and this has shown a lack of respect to everybody and I don't like that." Lack of respect, il capo dei tutti capi being "upset" - the next stage, surely, is a decapitated cheval in the Frenchman's bed?

So it's little wonder that Gallas's agent has spent this afternoon frantically attempting to smooth things over. "I think we will meet the directors of Chelsea next week," trembled Pierre Frelot today. "I think but don't know." Mmm, doesn't sound promising does it? And nor does Frelot's desperate insistence that: "Maybe there was a bit of misunderstanding between both parties." Maybe. Or maybe not. Either way, unless Don Mourinho shows unusual compassion, Gallas's career will soon be rotting away - if not in a ditch off the M25, then in Chelsea's reserves.

Delivered with uncustomary Italian flair by The Fiver, The Guardian's tea time take on all things football.